Celebrating the Single Life

Dr. Esther Weissman, a Boston University alumna and Boston psychologist, smiled as she pointed to the man in her life. The young muscular man named ‘Jack’ is an image on her T-shirt and one of the characters in her ‘Dream Man’ T-shirt line. While real men can be a letdown, she said Jack never disappoints.

‘You can change these men to fit your needs, and they are guaranteed never to break your heart,’ she said, running her manicured hands through her bleached blonde hair.

Weissman considers herself an ‘ageless’ single woman, and she never wanted to be married. She said that her chosen lifestyle is often stigmatized and in her 35 years as a psychologist, she has tried to convince others why the single life should not be shunned.

Her book, Single and Celebrating, argues that marriage is not for everyone and that being single is better in many ways than being married, even later in life.

‘I’ve had some wonderful relationships, one lasting seven years. I didn’t always know that I wanted to be single,’ Weissman said. ‘But as my life got better and better, the reasons for me to marry got smaller.’

When Weissman attended BU in the ’70s, she said the expectation was for women to attend college to try to find a husband. If a woman remained single, she was questioned and alienated. Even though years have passed, Weissman said this expectation hasn’t changed much.

‘Now the difference is that it’s OK for women to go to college and be achievement oriented. But you need to get a career in addition to finding a husband. It’s a double whammy now,’ she said.

Weissman felt some pressure to get married, but had the stability in her life to stay single, she said.

‘I had a profession, my own money, and wonderful friends and didn’t feel the need, financially, to get married.’

Society has a hand in stigmatizing the single life, such as making single people pay more for memberships to certain organizations or clubs, Weissman says.

According to a 2008 study by the U.S. Census Bureau, 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older are single. Weissman said that the single population is neither ignored nor accepted by society.

‘There are plenty of single women and men that the media targets with their advertisements. And so we acknowledge that they exist, but we still don’t accept them.’

She said the notion that people might want to be single is still considered strange, and society often makes excuses for those who choose the lifestyle.

‘I’ve read articles that say people are single because there are not enough men out there or they are just waiting for somebody special,’ Weissman said. ‘What these articles don’t say is that maybe people decide to be single.’

Many college students agree that the pressure to be in a relationship starts after graduation.

‘When you are in college, it’s your individual pressure or choice to be in a relationship,’ College of Arts and Sciences and College of Communication sophomore Julia Low said. ‘When you graduate, there’s more societal pressure.’

Low said that, after college, she hopes to build a family and sees many benefits of being in a relationship.

‘It’s nice to have that support system and someone who you can spend time with on a regular basis. When I’m an adult, I hope to have it all – a career, marriage and kids,’ she said.

Kentucky native and CAS sophomore Christopher Wallace said there is more pressure in the South for college students to be in a relationship. He said as a person ages, staying single becomes a novelty in that region.

‘Some colleges have what they call ‘The Rings by Spring,’ which means by the spring of junior year all the girls are supposed to be engaged,’ Wallace said. ‘If you’re not engaged by this time, it’s seen as strange.’

Urbandictionary.com defines the ring by spring theory as the pressure Christian college students feel to get engaged during their senior year.

The concept of rings by spring has sparked numerous Facebook followings. ‘BYU ‘-’- A Ring by Spring, or Your Money Back’ is a Facebook group for Brigham Young University in Utah, considered America’s largest religiously affiliated university, according to the school’s website. The description of the group describes BYU as more of a ‘marriage factory’ than a university.

Students in Christian-based colleges have spoken out against marriage during college. Facebook groups such as ‘No Ring by Spring for Me’ from Roberts Wesleyan College, a Christian institution, advocate seeking degrees in college instead of spouses.

Jenni Jones, a Geneva College alumna, said the pressure to find a spouse is high in Christian communities because of the view of abstaining until marriage. The ring by spring mantra is also popular at Geneva.

‘I hate the pressure,’ Jones said. ‘Sometimes I wish I could just shake these girls and be like ‘Your ring is not your ultimate prize!”

Although Jones’ college boyfriend proposed to her numerous times, she declined his marriage offers and is thankful she was not engaged when she graduated.

Amanda Jones, another Geneva College alumna, created the Facebook group ‘I didn’t get a ring by spring and now I want my money back’ because she does not consider being engaged early to be negative.

‘A lot of people from the ages of 18 to 23 feel the pressure to be in a relationship. Beyond colleges, I think it’s a part of our culture, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing,’ she said. ‘Relationships are the spice of life.’

Some students say it is difficult to think of any adults who are single because they choose to be.

‘Never getting married without being a priest or a nun is pretty uncommon,’ Wallace said.

However, in college, being single is not uncommon. In fact, some students say being single is more accepted than being in a relationship.

‘If you’re in a relationship, you’re seen as being too invested in someone else. You’re encouraged to go out and meet new people,’ Wallace said.

BU graduate student and women’s studies lecturer Mary Potorti agrees that college does not put too much pressure on being in a relationship.

‘The single life is glorified in college. I think it’s empowering and acceptable to be single, but there’s an expectation that after college is over you have to get married,’ she said.

Some students say the single life is far better than being in a relationship.

After having a boyfriend for junior and senior year of high school, CAS sophomore Shereen Samadzadeh decided she wanted to be single.

‘When I went to college, I was repulsed from relationships and enjoyed being selfish and single,’ she said. ‘I love not being tied down. It’s not even that I get to be with whoever I want, it’s that the rest of the world is open to me and only me, and I’m not obligated to share everything with someone.’

Samadzadeh said that she is not looking for a partner right now and does not feel the pressure to find anyone.

‘The only way I see myself being with somebody right now or in the future is if they come to me and blow me away,’ she said.

Many college students agree that, after college, the single life looses its luster and the pressure to get married heats up. Most also think that there is a time restriction on marriage.

Wallace said he wants to be married by his mid thirties.

‘I’ve just come to the conclusion that I’m going to get married someday. I think in society you’re given a picture of what’s natural,’ he said. ‘I’m not really convinced by anyone who says they never want to be married or be in a serious relationship.’

Potorti said she knows a lot of graduate students who are married and that those who are single ‘talk about looking for a man all the time.’ She said as people get older, the pressure to get married grows, and society amplifies a single person’s sense of isolation.

‘ ‘I think social expectations interfere with one’s choice to be single. It takes a pretty strong person to live outside these expectations,’ she said.

The media seems to amplify people’s sense of isolation if they are not in a relationship, Potorti said.

‘The online dating ads are a constant reminder of the fact that you should find someone, no matter how old you are,’ she said.

Overcoming society’s expectation to find a partner is a difficult obstacle for those who choose to remain single, Potorti said, because the idea is so ingrained.

When people think of the future, marriage often comes to mind. But getting hitched is not for everyone, and Weissman is living proof. After hearing tales of fear and woe from clients about ending up alone, she made a YouTube video saying, ‘You are fine just the way you are.’