There comes a time in every person’s life when they must decide who they want to be. Since turning the big 2-2 last week and coming to terms with the imminent end of my college career, I have decided to completely reinvent myself. I want the post-graduation version of me to be fresh, dynamic and influential. I have decided to transform myself into an enormously wealthy, middle-aged rap mogul and entrepreneurial sensation, or more specifically, Jay-Z. Fortunately for me, as well as the appallingly underrepresented demographic of which I want to become a part, there is officially a guide on how to become just that.
Why choose Jay-Z as my role model? To be quite frank, he has a job. A million of them, actually, and to an unemployed, second-semester college senior, nothing sounds better than that. This Monday he launched his new lifestyle website “Life and Times,” which is chock-full of ways to be hip (for example, don’t refer to anything as being chock-full). How does Hova recommend I attain this new fabulous life? I have compiled the most important methods in order to achieve this dream.
Jay-Way 1: Dressing with style. Unsurprisingly, there are an abundance of posts about the threads I should be wearing. In fact, the very first entry written is about Jay’s favorite hat designer. Apparently, the cap connoisseur Christophe Coppens, “counts the Belgian Royal Family among his clients.” Perfect. I have no idea who any members of the family are (after all, none of them are having weddings this month) but why wear a simple bonnet when you can wear a crown?I quickly located one of his genius creations, a velvet headband with “Bird” spelled out in huge beaded letters perched upon the top, for a mere $155. A steal to be as stylish as a princess, an avian-loving princess. Or that crazy pigeon lady in “Home Alone 2.” I like to think mental instability is a hallmark of fashion.
After locating some other designers he liked, I assembled a complete outfit. My new look includes a Gentry tie for a mere $245, a coat made of “space age materials” for $625 as well as a pair of nice causal shoes (you know, for those few times when you are not attending a black tie event) for $395. The final tally comes out to $1,420 and, in my opinion, is a bargain for such important basics as a decorative headband, a tie, an astronaut jacket and glorified tennis shoes. Pants didn’t make the cut but who even wears those anymore?
Jay-Way 2: Riding in style. OK, you now have your uniform but it is not enough to simply show your stylish superiority with what you put on your body. You need to also focus on what you put your body in. I therefore am sending my own Ford Taurus to the junkyard and picking up a Rolls-Royce Ghost. At $245,000, it may be worth more than my BU diploma, but considering it boasts “exceptional legroom and sumptuously leather-wrapped heated/cooled massage seats,” it already beats my freshman year Warren Towers quad or any lecture hall I have ever sat in (disregarding those in SMG, of course).
Jay-Way 3: Enjoying yourself…in style. Jay recommends a number of new artists to listen to (trust me, you have never heard of them), the best architect to use when redesigning your coastal Mediterranean villa and the restaurant that has the best vintage champagne.
As I read all of these posts, I started to wonder who Jay-Z was actually trying to relate to through this venture other than himself. After all, Jay Z is a huge entrepreneur and when he starts a project, he always thinks big and aims for a wide audience. Hoping to figure out the purpose for this site, I checked out the “About” page that I found to contain only a single phrase attributed to the man himself: “I want to make the extraordinary, ordinary.” Thank you, Mr. Carter, but I doubt a $245 tie will ever be ordinary.
I was hoping his site would be more than an overindulgent display of self-perceived superiority, but alas, it is just that. One could argue his site is no more ridiculous than a high fashion magazine that touts haute couture, but at least those publications seek to use expensive creations as artistic expression. This is simply another venue for a celebrity to show you the cool stuff he likes to buy with the money he knows you do not have and there is nothing creative about it. The novelty wears off pretty quickly. I became bored of looking at the site within minutes.
I have decided to drop the idea of transforming myself. I don’t really want to be middle-aged anyway and have decided to spend my time doing more constructive things than reading about why a $1,088 shave set is a good investment (although the brushes are made with “silvertip badger hair”). I think it is time to go back to the seemingly never-ending career search. Honestly, I do not really care if my future job will not allow me to afford a quarter-million-dollar Rolls Royce anyway. I am perfectly happy with my Ford Taurus and though it may not allow me to “easily slice through city streets, bob and weave in highway traffic and hug winding turns on coastlines,” no offense, Jay-Z, I think I can deal with that.
Steph Hagen is a senior at the College of Arts and Sciences and a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at shagen@bu.edu.
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