Ask me anything about my wondrous 2002 bright green Subaru Outback and I’ll tell you all about a boxer engine. Want to talk about Miley Cyrus? Sure, I’ll do that. Are you ever curious about drag culture? If so, then I’m your guy. But for your sake and mine, please never ask me about sports.
The last time I attempted to discuss football I called a field goal a kick-though. You know, because you kick the ball through the yellow fork. Then I realized how stupid I sounded and went back to thinking about cars. Hey, at least I wasn’t trying to sound like an idiot. I’m willing to learn without insulting my friends’ love for sports.
For some reason I just shut down when the topic of sports comes up, but for the rest of my sedentary friends, they make a sincere effort to broadcast their ignorance. You have that one gal that tweets, “Go Dolphins!” when they’re obviously watching baseball. There’s that one guy that wears a fedora that posts, “Go Red Sox! Kick the puck into the touchdown and score a hole-in-one!” At that point, I am ready to make like David Ortiz and knock them out of the park.
Remember, I’m the guy who sat through the first half of the Super Bowl so I could watch Beyoncé. During a game, I always try to join a conversation by spitting out sports terminology. It’s like throwing 30 darts and only one getting one bull’s eye. I’ll get something right eventually. But for the love of the Bambino, if you’d rather watch Mad Men instead of the World Series, then please continue to flood Twitter with BuzzFeed articles. Also, keep me out of it when I’m trying to learn about the Red Sox.
Unfortunately, I watched the last Super Bowl with one of those people that pretend to be stupid about sports.
“Yeah, Brian, let’s watch some football,” my friend Tatiana said, putting too much emphasis on the “foot.” “Ready for the first RBI?”
From there, I just wanted to go back to my room to watch Netflix. Not only do I know nothing about football, now I’m associated with this idiot and have to talk to her. Everyone else is swooning over the New England Patriots while I’m struggling to follow the pigskin, and those tight pants distract me.
But now I’ll be left the entire game to talk to this hipster idiot tell me all about her anthropology lectures because I can’t analyze the game with the actual fans.
My friends caught on pretty quickly and no longer invite me to watch major sporting events because I ask all of the questions. I want to hear about the rules, the player drama and about their rivals. So I’ve been left to fend for myself in the world of sports. Or I could just watch “Orange is the New Black” and call it a day.
Brian Latimer is the Editorial Page Editor. He is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org