It’s that time again. Yet another election year is upon us, and with that comes one of my favorite political events: the primaries. This year, the Democrats seem to be going for each other’s throats, like hungry animals that enjoy eating human throats. Kerry, Dean, Clark and Edwards are all interesting characters. But I grow weary of these contenders. What the hell are the issues this year anyway? Is the war in Iraq coming up? Boring! Has anybody mentioned health care? You can’t hear me right now, but I’m actually snoring. Good god, I can’t take it anymore. It’s time to inject a little adrenaline into the race.
How will I do that, you ask? Well, what many of you may not know is I’m an expert political consultant. In my spare time, I help to seek out the finest candidates in the hope that I can help America. All right, I stopped caring about this country three years ago (I hear Canada is nice, though), and I just want to see something interesting on TV. So I’ve compiled a list of three new candidates, and I will envision what the first debate may be like.
My new candidates are from diverse backgrounds, though none of them were ever really involved in politics. Number one on my list is Batman. Yes, I believe Batman should run for president. None of that lame Bruce Wayne crap either. You see, Batman understands the complex social issues that are pulling this country apart at the seams. In fact, he’s seen it first hand. Besides, he has a really cool suit.
Next up is Holden Caulfield, the infamous rapscallion whose exploits you just may have read about. You see Holden can keep it real. He knows what it’s like to hit rock bottom and have a pimp rough you up some. Sure, he has a sordid past, but it’s nothing he didn’t mention in his best selling tell-all book, “The Catcher in the Rye.” He may not be the most personable candidate, but he’s damn honest.
Lastly, we have Grave Digger. For those of you not in the know, Grave Digger is a monster truck. It also happens to be the most awesome piece of machinery ever made. There’s really nothing else I can say about it, you just have to know that Grave Digger rocks.
Well, now that we know who’s running for the nomination of the Democratic Party, let’s do a little envisioning of the first debate. I imagine it being, from left to right, Dean, Batman, Edwards, Kerry, Holden, Clark and Grave Digger. Sharpton and Kucinich were supposed to be there, but it is believed they are somewhere underneath Grave Digger’s enormous tires. I told you it was awesome.
Anyway, the first question goes to Dean. Its some dumb question about illegal software downloads. I’m not sure why they’re asking about it in a presidential debate, but they are. Anyway, Dean starts yammering on about how he likes Wycleaf Jean, and he’s down with the hip hop culture. Kerry then starts talking about how when he gets into the White House, there will be a “Decree of Rock,” and at that moment he spins a guitar around and starts playing it.
Batman laughs at these comments, claiming that neither of the candidates knows anything about real criminals and file sharing is the last of his concerns. Then, the moderator asks Clark what he thinks of the war in Iraq. Clark is noticeably uncomfortable, and slowly starts to answer the question. Batman interrupts him, however, saying that the war has been handled poorly. If he were to be elected, he says, he will build a Justice League consisting of himself, Superman, Wonderwoman, the Flash and possibly Martian Manhunter if he can fit it into his busy schedule. They’ll swoop into Iraq and bring swift justice, so it can fit neatly into either 30 comic book pages or a half-hour television program. This brings the loudest of the cheers so far in the short five minutes of the debate.
Next, Edwards is asked about education. He goes into a lengthy speech about how the public school system is going down the tubes. Caulfield then lets out a loud laugh, saying while what Edwards says is true, he’s a phony. In fact, he proclaims every candidate is a phony. Then, he rips off his microphone and storms of the stage, but not before he gets into a fistfight with a camera operator.
After everything settles, the moderator starts asking a question, but no one can hear it because Grave Digger starts revving its engines. Suddenly, the truck peels out, crushing all of its opponents, as well as the first few rows of the audience. At this point, the moderator turns around and says, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this year’s Democratic Candidate, GRAAAAAAVVVEEEDIIGGGEER!”
So there you have it folks. If I can get Grave Digger in the race, it’s pretty much over for Bush. So spread the word, folks, and remember the chant: It can crush and its wheels can bore, so vote for Grave Digger in 2004.