Since it’s primary season and all, we here at the ol’ Free Press have decided to share with you the issues the candidates for 2004 have pledged to campaign about during their upcoming visit to Boston University on Super Tuesday.
Sen. John Kerry will strut into the building to the sound of Outkast’s “The Way You Move” announcing that he has decided to bring about a full-fledged campaign to put an end to the Hunt’s monopoly of ketchup on campus and replace each and every bottle in the dining halls with Heinz ketchup – autographed by his wife Theresa Heinz herself, of course.
Former Gov. Howard Dean will schedule personal training sessions with hockey star Sean Fields – specifically targeted at learning how to rebound after a huge loss or embarrassment. If all goes well, Fields may even end up as his new campaign manager and teach him how to put up a fight in the final seconds. And Dean will finally find an advantageous use for his screaming antics – he’ll be able to blend in perfectly with Section 8’s red-faced fans without even having to paint his face.
Sen. John Edwards will concentrate mainly on South Campus before diverting his attention toward the School of Education and the College of Communication in an effort to attract voters that know they will be poor for the rest of their lives.
Retired Gen. Wesley Clark will spend most of his time with the ROTC and President emeritus John Silber, who will provide him with advice on how to be a Democrat who acts like a Republican.
Sen. Joe Lieberman will announce his plans to strengthen the guest policy in an effort to bring back family values. But both his and Clark’s trips will be cut short when they decide to skip BU to campaign at Northeastern, where they’re more likely to get good poll numbers.
Rep. Dennis Kucinich will make an appearance on WTBU and double his audience to a record two listeners. Both he and the Rev. Al Sharpton will spend some quality time with the BU Bum in an effort to learn more about grassroots fundraising, as they attempt to get a little cash for the remainder of the campaign.
And last but not least, President George W. Bush will make a campaign stop at the College of General Studies in an effort to speak to the minute population of “college” students that will not realize he has made up half the words in his speech.
Bush’s final stop will be to take a trip up to the Ninth Floor of One Sherborn St. where he will plot an invasion on Boston College in an effort to find the Beanpot trophies that never really existed.