We know at some point your parents have gotten a Christmas card from a far- off acquaintance who misspelled their names on the envelope. Or maybe a letter, clearly written while intoxicated, from your step-uncle who ended up going to jail for that weird parrot-slavery auction he operated out of your neighbor’s tree house. Similarly, both of this week’s Things – the mass-text and the drunk-text – are deeply rooted in the history of American stupidity. The rise of our cell phone overlords has given us a much more convenient way to display all forms of obnoxiousness. But not until recently were the two phenomena so abundant, and not until today have they fought. The mass-text is today’s most prominent medium for lame jokes, party invites, and holiday greetings for any day worthy of a special Google logo. The mass-text rarely presents the opportunity for a full conversation: if you dare to thank someone for their ‘Happy 143rd anniversary of Warren G. Harding’s birthday!