A train leaves Boston at 8:34 p.m. and travels at an average speed of 74 mph. Another train leaves Providence at 9:00 p.m., traveling at an average speed of 82 mph. If the two cities are 50 miles apart, at what time will the two trains crash into each other and kill everyone on board?

If your answer to this question was “Who the hell cares?” then you, my friend, are correct. Math doesn’t matter to us Americans — never has, never will. But some unpatriotic crybabies want to break that great American pastime. These pro-polynomial pansies are complaining that the red, white and blue is falling behind the rest of the world in the fields of math and science.

You know what I say to them? Good. Let the world have math and science. I don’t want it. Math and science are for losers. Remember that kid who always got his ass kicked in high school? You know what he liked? That’s right, math and science. Is that what you want, America, to be some geek who gets stuffed into a locker and plays Magic the Gathering with the 9-year-old kid from next door on Saturday night? No, I didn’t think so.

Apparently these nerds who call themselves “doctors” and “professors” and “politicians” want to turn the coolest country in the world into that kid everyone threw pudding at while he sat alone at the corner table during lunch. Hey guys, I’m sorry you never got laid in high school, college, grad-school — or probably now, for that matter — but don’t ruin everyone else’s fun by trying to make us learn math and science.

I’m not saying learning isn’t fun. There’s a load of stuff that I have had fun learning. For instance, if you go through the self checkout at Shaw’s, you don’t need to pay for stuff you bagged yourself in the produce section; or you can prevent your beverage glass from sticking to a napkin by pouring a little salt on the napkin; or if you fill up a gallon jug with pull tabs, you can recycle them and have enough money to get a keg.

Those are things that are all fun to learn. But that’s not the case with math and science. On the fun scale, learning math and science ranks alongside getting Hepatitis C and being hit in the face with a garden rake.

But what really gets my goat is that these digit-huggers try to appeal to America’s pride to push their agenda. “Oh, the rest of the world is better than you! America is losing!” Now usually I’d be upset if America was beat at something, but in this case I could care less. Telling me that the rest of the world is better than the United States at math and science is like telling me that the rest of the world is better than us at interior decorating — I really don’t give a crap.

We’re good at the important stuff, like drinking, fixing cars, playing sports, blowing stuff up and things along those lines. Come wake me up when America is beat in baseball, beer pong or setting the record for most cheeseburgers consumed in a day. Until then, stay behind your desk and shut the hell up.

Besides, if we really need something solved, we’ll just get some foreigners to do it for us. From the sounds of it, everyone else in the world is awesome at math and science — why don’t we let them showcase their talents? That’s the American way of getting things done — have someone else do it for us. Do you really think Americans built the first railroads, skyscrapers, dams or bridges? Hell no! That stuff is hard. We had immigrants do it for us.

This is no different. Math and science are hard. So we’ll just bring in some foreigners to do it. Then we’ll stick them in crappy neighborhoods and tell them they’re living the American dream. Trust me, this has been working for the better part of two centuries, so why stop now?

You see, that’s the problem with these number jockeys: They can’t think practically. They may be book-smart, but they’re not street-smart. What’s cheaper, dumping billions of dollars into education so children are better at math and science, or having some company pay a kid from Beijing a couple cents an hour to build us a rocket when we need to blow something up? I’m going to go with option two. Plus, with all the money we save we can buy something really cool, like a robot that breathes fire. That would be pretty neat, huh?

Let’s just ignore this entire hullabaloo about Americans lacking math and science skills. That junk is completely overrated. Hell, I got into college and I don’t even know how to multiply without using a calculator. While that may mean I’m bad at math, it also means I’m awesome at being American, and in the end, I much prefer the latter.

Brian Fudge, a sophomore in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].