Recently, my home answering machine has been barraged with messages from representatives of the major candidates and sometimes even from the candidates themselves. Though I don’t really have time to listen to these messages, I know what they’re saying: They want my endorsement. As a very famous columnist for an important Boston newspaper, I’m not surprised. But now that the conventions are in the foreseeable future, I think it’s time I speak up. Unfortunately, I haven’t yet decided which candidate is the one for me – nevermind the fact that I already voted.

I keep hearing “So-and-so is the change candidate.” I like change. If I wanted things to stay the same, I wouldn’t vote at all. Unfortunately, none of the candidates seems to be addressing the issues I find important. Not even So-and-so.

Now I will announce the issues that are important to me. Whichever candidate takes up even one of these will have my full support — unless, of course, that candidate is a Republican. Or an uggo.

Issue No. 1: End the division of the classes

I live right on the border between two towns of notably different economic makeups — Allston and Brookline — and nowhere is the difference between classes more apparent than here. Instantly, as you cross the border between Allston and Brookline, the streets become cleaner, the air becomes fresher and the rats become children – it’s beautiful.

Unfortunately, I live on the Allston side. Yes, my floors are on a 15 degree slant, and yes, it’s a lot of fun, but what I want to know is, why is Brookline is too good for McDonald’s and is instead littered with Jewish delis? Are they too good for McDonald’s, or are Allstonians not good enough for Jews?

The upper classes will have us believe that McDonald’s is the lowest form of human consumption, that it’s uncivilized and unhealthy. But then riddle me this, Mr. Monopoly: Why is it so good? Perhaps McDonald’s, the most successful restaurant chain in the history of the world, is the pinnacle of human taste. Perhaps people are just embarrassed that something so cheap and so simple is the best thing there is – better than caviar, better then filet mignon, better than baklava.

We need a president who will break down the walls, who will eat McDonald’s and drink Swiss Miss and steal batteries like us good, common folk.

Issue No. 2: End the format wars, forever

The problem with letting the public decide on anything is they’re usually wrong. (Note: This statement does not apply to the first issue, as it would render my argument useless.) The Founding Fathers knew it; that’s why they created the Electoral College. Anyone who’s ever used a Betamax tape knows it, because it’s clearly superior to VHS. And The Vengaboys clearly knew it, because they stopped making music shortly after that “Boom Boom Boom” song became more ubiquitous than me at a Hannah Montana concert.

Now we’ve just emerged from a bitter battle between Blu-Ray and HD-DVD that could easily have been solved by the government. It’s the same way they ended the metric versus English measuring systems debate by mandating the United States switch to metric by 1993. Or the way they solved the standard versus high-definition TV battle by requiring every station to go digital by 2003. Can you imagine where we’d be if the government hadn’t stepped in?

Here’s what we do: mandate that all people must buy their own 35 mm projector. Since most movies are made in 35 mm, there’s no format that could be better (except for whatever Hannah Montana 3-D is in – that’s way cool). It’s such a simple solution that would potentially prevent years of escalating format wars. This would also stop the bootlegging of movies, as film reels are very difficult to conceal inside trench coats.

Issue No. 3: The Zipper Monopoly

Think about it: When your backpack or purse or gun case finally goes kaput, what’s the first thing to go? It’s the zipper that’s broken in two or run off its track. “Oh well,” you think. “It was getting old anyway.” That excuse may work for putting Grandpa in a home, but not for throwing my beloved Ringo Starr-era Thomas the Tank Engine backpack in the trash.

So who’s to blame for this formidable fabric-fastening monopoly? Simple: YKK — the company whose name is emblazoned on billions of tiny zippers. They own the world’s largest zipper-manufacturing facility, and, no surprise here, it’s a Japanese company. When the Japanese become known for efficient and reliable products, I’ll eat my hat.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. “Wow, these are all really great ideas. What a smart and good-looking man this Justin Hook must be! But how can I help get the candidates involved?” Well to be honest, you probably can’t, because you’re probably not that important. But if you insist on trying anyway, here are some simple ways you can make a difference:

1. Stop wearing pants. Until one of the candidates decides to take on the zipper issue, I suggest boycotting products that use zippers whenever possible. If this means going pants-less, so be it. Are you committed to change or aren’t you?

2. Bring me some bagels and lox. It may be a small step, but it’s an important one. Tear down the class walls by bringing upper-class influence to a lower-class neighborhood. I know the perfect place to start: my house.

3. Rent Crossroads on DVD. Until 35 mm projectors become more affordable, the best way to fight the format wars is to go old-school and refuse to acknowledge the existence of new media. Trust me: The Sugar Beats sound just as good on cassette as they ever could on a “compact disc.” And as long as you’re bringing over lox, you might as well bring the movie to my place, too.

If any loyal reader can fulfill these three objectives, and also be a moderately attractive female between the ages of 18 and 24, then you’ve helped change the course of this country and helped to fulfill the promises of democracy. I thank you, and America thanks you.

Justin Hook, a junior in the College of Communication and College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].