BU PLANS GREAT THINGS FOR TUITION-COST ENHANCEMENT
The ol’ Free Press recently received a news release from the Boston University Office of Marketing and Communications, the same department that releases BU Today, that detailed plans for the additional funds raised from next year’s planned tuition increase. Here’s the release, written by former Boston Globe reporter Marcella Bombardieri, who quit her post in favor of a BU job to write even more sanctimonious stories about our beloved institution of higher learning.
In order to enhance the quality of Boston University programs, the administration has decided to increas tuition 4.72 percent! This decision is spearheaded by the inventive, clever President Robert Brown – who is an engineer and worked at the prestigious Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
The funds collected from students – who are facing decreased amounts of available financial aid – will be utilized to increase the magical atmosphere at this top-quality university.
In addition to providing wireless Internet service on the BU Beach, the administration has evaluated other potential “hot spots” and decided to provide wireless for the boiler room in the Warren C Tower.
The School of Management will also be offering a new program to train students on the practical aspects of being ridiculously wealthy: “How to wear chinos with silly animals printed on them and feel totally entitled.”
Taking a cue from The Boston Globe, the university will allocate several million dollars to buy out the university’s best professors – including poet laureate Robert Pinsky, Nobel Prize-winner Elie Wiesel and renowned historian Howard Zinn.
Ten percent of every BU tuition check will contribute to the presidential campaign of Mitt Romney, who has changed his stances on gun control, abortion and if he ever really was the governor of Massachusetts.
In its most generous move, the university has decided to offer fluffy down pillows for sleepy students who have been awake for 40 straight hours at The Daily Free Press.