Competitions are heating up all around campus. Barack Obama plans to bring his political schtick to Agganis Arena, and the Student Union is finally looking forward to a legitimate election! In the spirit of competition, the ol’ Free Press is looking ahead to Marathon Monday for top performances from other well-known figures.

Kicking off the race will be Mayor Thomas Menino, stammering the “ready-set-go” as elite runners stutter-step across the starting line. Recently fired radio talk-show host Don Imus provides snappy commentary, as the Kenyans break away from the pack.

Bandit runners jump into the race near Boston College. These Girls Gone Wild blow away the competition, despite their sloppy steps, heavily weighted chests and scanty clothing. Not to be outdone, elderly competitors hike up their short shorts for a full show of cellulite.

As lead runners round Kenmore Square, unquestioned master of electricity Pikachu and un-American war opponent Yoko Ono bring the Dice-K crowd to riotous excitement. Boston Police keep the crowd under control by hurling Dunkin Donuts munchkins. The sugary doughnut glaze melts in a New England heat wave, gluing together premium athletes and champion pre-gamers.

Marathon runners having been deterred in the last stretch of the race, Student Union President Brooke Feldman, shopping near Newbury Street, crosses the finish line to win the marathon uncontested.