Boston University faces a historic lawsuit in these coming months, as a Manhattan College basketball player is suing the university for encouraging violent play against him. This suit would not only change NCAA guidelines, but also the ease with which disgruntled persons could sue the university. We here at the ol’ Free Press would like to help our future alma mater, and provide the administration with a list of potential lawsuits.
The first plaintiff is obvious. Boston College would sue BU for preventing it from winning numerous Beanpots thoughout the years. Unfortunately for Newton College, the suit would be thrown out on the condition that the Eagles are very, very incompetent to begin with, and would have no chance to beat the Terriers, let alone the Crimson or Huskies.
More successful would be the suit brought by College of Fine Arts students against BU for failing to provide them with jobs. The university would have no choice but to refund complainants’ money, admitting that there is no such thing as a well-paying job in the arts.
Another group of winners against BU would be the several hundred students from the Bay State Road area. Instead of its regular swill, BU will have to provide fillet mingnon and caviar to all infected students. The students will still get sick, but it’s better to puke up fish eggs than American Chop Suey.
BU will continue its poor record in the courts when 9,000 women sue because of the lack of straight men on campus. The university’s solution, directing complainants to 1506C Warren Towers, only results in a further suit against the school to pay for Viagra.
Finally, the lawsuit against BU to complain about the lack of a coup against the Student Union has repercussions throughout the country as scholars debate the usefulness as college democracy. In the short term, though, students will be grateful to not see future Union presidents dancing at hockey games.