Elvira Arellano, an illegal immigrant from Mexico, was arrested outside a church in Los Angeles about a month ago, and I haven’t stopped laughing since. This woman who had cowered behind the pews, pulpits and crosses of religious benevolence was finally being brought to justice after showing such contempt for it. What hilarity hath been wrought from such irony!

Apparently, the 32-year-old mother was speaking with reporters in L.A. when federal agents came by and scooped her up for deportation. Arellano had been hiding in a small Chicago church, claiming sanctuary, for nearly a year, and the trip to L.A. was her first time away from church property.

I could just imagine the scene: Arellano in mid-sentence, whisked into a white van by men in trench coats and fedoras as she continued shouting in Spanish about how she did not fear the American government. Larry David couldn’t have written it better himself.

In reality, the whole event was probably more demure and confusing, but it still had the trappings of a sitcom script written all over it: the unexpected sequence of events, the outrageousness of the situation, the goofy sidekick cracking wise (OK, I only assume that there was a sarcastic sidekick — give me some creative liberty). And so, the guffaws, chortles and titters just flowed out. Bravo!

As a critic of political theater, it seems to me that our G-men have stood too long as extras in the televised melodrama known as American immigration. The lines of legality were becoming blurred due to inaction, the plot stale and badly in need of rewriting. But now, like a spinoff series, the American government has taken the upper hand and become the star of the show.

Extended metaphors aside, however, we must feel sympathy for Arellano on some level because she claims to have been trying to give her son a better life. Still, we must also remember that our country is only successful as a country of law. President Bush has proven that bending the law to your own purposes, as with the invasion of Iraq, can bring the most disastrous consequences for our nation and its integrity. Arellano should also realize this and fight for emendation, not violation, of the duly enacted laws of this country.

I hesitate to compare Ms. Arellano to Mr. Bush, but given their similar predilection toward selectively interpreting legal rules, they seem to fit a sort of mold. (Perhaps we should call this the “Chinese, family-style menu” theory of the law. That is, ordering a huge cross-section of many different things, but only tasting those that you like.)

The immigration activist community — one of the most misguided and hypocritical groups in the country — is up in arms over Arellano’s arrest. One activist promised vigils and protests while another boldly admonished, “How dare they arrest this woman!”

To them I respond, You mean this woman who violated American law? You mean this woman who encouraged others to violate American law? You mean this woman who has stood as a how-to book for avoiding the American justice system (until now, that is)?

I fail to see how Ms. Arellano is any less of a criminal, or any more deserving of valid outrage, than the crack addict sentenced to the five-year federal minimum for possession. They have both lived hard lives and tried to avoid the repercussions of their violations. We feel sympathy for their situations, but abhor their continued efforts to break the law. Some may think that smoking crack is an appropriate form of protest against the harsh anti-drug laws of the United States. But is that appropriate?

Or is it more appropriate that the would-be Mexican immigrant applies for a visa, as so many others have, and finds the legal channel into America? Or perhaps — and this is a shocking moment of groundbreaking truth — denizens of our southern neighbor can look internally, toward improvement of their own living conditions through hard work and concerted effort.

It seems quite striking to me that so many illegal immigrants are unwilling to stay in their home countries and find a common solution to their dilapidated economies and material circumstances. We must make an exception for those seeking asylum, but for those seeking nothing more than a higher exchange rate on currency, please move along: This particular Bank of America does not welcome your business.

I hope Elvira Arellano has learned her lesson, though she probably hasn’t. I hope if she ever tries to illegally enter the United States again, she is arrested on the spot and deported immediately. I hope this, not because I despise immigration (economically and politically I’m a huge fan) or Ms. Arellano personally, but because I have read too many stories of decent people waiting nearly a decade to walk on American soil, and it is simply unfair to them.

I despise what Ms. Arellano stands for, because it is a violation of the laws of this country, and because it is a violation of the basic rules of fair play. Is geographic propinquity the only prerequisite Ms. Arellano sees necessary to claim rights in this nation? It certainly should not be.

I am proud of America’s immigration forces, for once, for making the right effort and halting Ms. Arellano’s criminal activity. I am looking forward to more moments of uproarious laughter as those who thumb their nose at America’s system of rules come face to face with the new leading men and women of the immigration show.

Neil St. Clair, a senior in the College of Communication and College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He is also the host of butv10’s On That Point. He can be reached at [email protected] or [email protected].