I am waging war on technology. In fact, I strongly recommend we divert all funds from the war on drugs and utilize them to enact legislation banning anything electronic. What a wonderful world it would be where the heroin flows freely and the wheel is the new hip gadget.

As soon as I’m done writing this, I am taking a sledgehammer to my electronic leash (a.k.a. cell phone), a chainsaw to my laptop and a flame-thrower to anyone who tries to stop me. Three times in the last hour my computer has ‘performed illegal operations’ after which it ‘must be shut down.’ It’s a hunk of plastic how illegal could it be? I’m going back to a typewriter.

Thankfully, a small battle in my war was won on Friday. California Governor Gray Davis isn’t the only thing being recalled these days; Segway recalled all 6,000 of its ‘Human Transporters.’ Wow, 6,000 idiots were clinically insane enough to spend $4,950 on the glorified skateboards. You could feed a dozen African countries for a decade with the same cash.

Turns out when the batteries get low the things dump you like a sixth grade girlfriend.

President Bush took a nasty tumble from one in June – quick, upgrade to terror alert orange! How is it that our commander-in-chief can’t stand on something Comcast promoters can do backflips on? Simple answer he didn’t press the balance button and down he went. And we expect him to do the same with a budget!

Really though, is a bicycle, like, soooo last year? And we wonder why our entire nation refers to its collective thighs as Jell-O Jigglers. Forget the Atkins diet have a loaf of bread right before bed and try walking in the morning.

Now I’ll admit I’m a little behind the times. As far as I know my internet service provider is Al Gore, blackberries are for eating and nomads are roving bands of exceptionally hairy people. Now they could probably use a human transporter. Saddam is probably eluding the Army Rangers aboard his human transporter this very moment.

This recall has apparently dampened the hopes of Segway and its inventor, Dean Kamen, in their quest to pressure Massachusetts’s legislature one of 10 states considered the last bastions of normality to allow human transporters on sidewalks. Well folks, let’s just scrap this whole Big Dig thing we’re getting human transporters! And you thought Boston traffic was bad now.

Although there is no current legislation barring these tributes to indolence from our sidewalks, I propose a bill that anyone riding a human transporter on a sidewalk must receive one stiff clothesline from whichever fellow sidewalk user is best positioned to inflict a serious concussion.

What’s next Burberry-clad freshmen parking their human transporters in front of SMG?

Hypothetically, let’s say I were to sell my gas-guzzling SUV for an environmentally friendly human transporter. How would the Saudis feel? Doesn’t anyone consider the emotional stability of two-faced monopolizing capitalists when choosing how to get around? Speaking of which, will Martha Stewart fashion the human transporter’s fall line (pun intended) from her cellblock? Could I get a reckless driving ticket for doing 0 to 12.5 MPH (top speed) down Commonwealth Avenue? Or worse, a DWI riding home from a Friday afternoon pint at the Dugout?

According to Saturday’s Boston Globe, the Segway recall, posted by the Consumer Product Safety Commission, ‘will improve the low battery warning and automatically shut down the machines if the warnings aren’t heeded.’ Oh great they decided to idiot-proof the things, so now we have 6,000 wealthy, obese, high-grade morons zipping around. If the thing told me to get off, I would probably praise my good fortune and willingly wind sprint wherever I was going.

All I can hope is that this recall will instigate class action lawsuits against ATMs, grocery store self-checkout lines and automatically flushing toilets. But for now my flame-thrower and I have work to do.

Cory Hardy, a senior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.