You, a woman, find yourself lost in the woods, alone. You hear rustling from the bush a couple paces away, and a large figure slowly reveals itself beneath the shadows of the tall trees. You start praying — praying the creature is … ?
Do you pray for it to be a man or a bear?
Last year, this debate rippled amongst women on TikTok — and a large majority came to the conclusion that while coming face to face with a bear is scary, the unknown intentions of a man are scarier. While a bear could hurt you, it won’t apologize for hurting you and say they’ll never do it again — before hurting you again.
Undeniably, cultural moments like these are beneficial. By having these discussions and movements like the Seneca Falls Convention, the civil rights movement or the #MeToo movement, true societal gender equality can hopefully be reached.
But while women’s empowerment is the crux of, well, women’s empowerment, its effects on dating culture are almost entirely undiscussed.
The punch line of this story? Naturally, it’s to ask what any of this may have to do with us.
My girl friends across the world — those in Boston, California, Florida, Chicago, New York and even studying abroad in Europe — have all independently lamented to me, their token male friend, asking why men don’t approach them. Or that even when one does, they’re always over 30 years old.
There’s a tangible change in modern dating culture that diverts from the romanticized narratives we see in television shows and are told about by our parents and grandparents. With so many theories circulating as to how or why there’s a difference, all I can do is contribute my own hypothesis.
First, how is dating different now?
As said above, men don’t romantically approach women nearly as frequently anymore. Without much scientific research, we’re left with anecdotal evidence of this — like from The New York Times writer Rachel Drucker, who described the disappearance of men in a June 20 article as “[not] just personal misalignment.”
“It was something broader. Cultural. A slow vanishing of presence,” she wrote.
The largest reason behind this is almost definitively the advent of digital dating, where access to dates is a nonissue through the likes of Hinge and Tinder.
But that assumption implies that having dating apps erases the desire for traditional dating ideas like love notes or pick-up lines, which isn’t the case. Without extra forces, both traditional and technological approaches should coexist, where a man can use the technique they’re more comfortable with. Since traditional approaches are observedly gone, there must be something at play besides technology.
Then maybe it’s women who have changed?
Well, that’s true. The progression of the feminist movement has allowed women to finally express their identity.
As a consequence of that, knowing how to approach the modern woman is a much more intricate task than a one-size-fits-all approach. In 2018, Lisa Bonos wrote for The Washington Post: “Plenty of heterosexual men are confused about how to make a first move in a way that is confident and mindful of a woman’s boundaries.”
With a rise in conversations about consent, we’re more aware one person’s boundaries might cross the line for another. Assuming you’re a person with good intentions, the possible repercussions of being labeled a harasser for not knowing the boundaries of a specific woman makes making a move a larger gamble. But if you’re a person with bad intentions, you’re definitely deserving of that label.
At the same time, men have their own esteem issues to address before dating’s even in question.
Emotional stability, agreeableness and conscientiousness have been linked with professional success, relationship durability and longevity — even more so than intelligence or socioeconomic status. And yet, the Financial Times found our generation self-reports the lowest level of conscientiousness, agreeableness and extroversion while having the highest level of neuroticism ever documented.
Not only have feminism and technological influences changed modern dating culture, men also see themselves holding some of the worst traits imaginable — utterly incompatible for dating.
To top it all off, a concerning number of men are becoming involuntary celibates, or “incels,” where they begin to forge their identity around their perceived inability to find a romantic partner.
Incels engage in misogynistic hostility, overestimating the importance of women’s physical attractiveness and financial prospects while underestimating the importance of their intelligence, kindness and humor. Incel men blame their inability to find a woman on women — instead of on themselves.
This change didn’t just appear overnight. It took decades and centuries of manifesting before the phenomenon was thrust into the limelight by sudden advances in technology, uncovering incels as perpetrators of misogyny and violent attacks, including murder.
So to women: It’s not your fault that men aren’t approaching you anymore. But it also might not be realistic anymore to expect men to do the approaching.
And to men: These low levels of conscientiousness and high neuroticism aren’t your fault. Try to find some way to view yourself more positively. But also don’t be an incel.
And finally, to all of us in Generation Z: These are unprecedented times creating unprecedented circumstances. In this case, a technocapitalist, culture war-influenced society is making our dating lives impossible to comprehend both by our ancestors, but even more so by ourselves.
With our generation being too anxious to flirt and too distracted to love, no one knows the best way to find a date. So while we ask man or bear for now, let’s hope for a future where we won’t have those fears at all.