Before you read this column, please be sure that you are showered and well-dressed. Breakfast is always a smart idea, and a complete breakfast before reading is strongly advised. Make sure the eggs are poached and pillaged instead of scrambled, and that the toast set to the “medievally dark” setting on the toaster. The orange juice should be half pulp, half diet, and you should eat everything with a straw and three folded napkins. If questioned, always ask for one lump instead of two. This will make the column go down easier, like a fine raspberry sorbet on a May afternoon.
To read this column, a background in 17th century German pagan philosophy is recommended, as is a fluency in Swahili. The presence of three professors from the University Professors Program is required, and you should have a highlighter and copies of Webster’s Dictionary, Black Beauty and Where’s Waldo? handy. It does not hurt to be the author of one of these pieces of literature. There will be a need for Calculus and some financial equations, so please have your abacus and Sharp EL733A Financial Calculator at your side. Before reading, you should befriend or already have befriended two bishops from Scotland and the Duchess of Wales, and, in the ideal situation, been invited for afternoon tea at least twice.
Prior to jogging your eyes over this article, it must be remembered that tattoos help soak knowledge into the brain. So, please note that it is also in the author’s wishes that to best ascertain the complex metaphors of the column, a branding of Santa Claus’ initials across your left bicep would greatly expedite the process of your understanding. This is for your good as well as mine.
The pre-reading application of eye drops and a skin cream will help for the introduction of the column, as a flood of tears and swell of rashes will certainly overwhelm the reader at that particular stage. Readers with eyebrows may become offended at this point as well. While we are at it, it would also be a good idea for the reader to have an able knowledge in the procedure of grafting skin lesions and making the bed. Tourniquets and trinkets should be handy, as the denouement is sure to be both surreally painful and colorfully festive. As you reach the moral of the column, you should have your mother’s cellular telephone number ready on speed-dial, as the moral is sure to give you the desire to reconnect with your parents from the mindset of a 12-year-old. Call your mother right before the last sentence, not after. Now that you are aware of the circumstances, please enjoy the column.
However, before you read, it should be known that after you finish this column a band of saber-wielding Turkish monks is destined to hunt you down and keep your wallet. They are wild-eyed with the need for vengeance and blood, and are jealous of your literacy. Piranhas and Siamese cats will likely invade your salad bowls after completion of the column, and chocolate will never taste the same. Also, do not drink the beverage you may or may not be possessing – it has just turned to poison.
If you do choose to complete this column after reading has begun, you will gain instant fame in Sri Lanka, only to lose it as the clock strikes twelve in Greenland. Speaking of Greenland, as you finish the column, a horrendous fear of fire ants and tree frogs will erupt across the nation, and the good people of Greenland will hold you responsible. Suffice to say, there is no turning back once you have read this column, as you will lose the ability to physically turn at all, ever.
It is at this point that I guess you should know that right now I am watching you from behind, unless you are against a wall, in which case I am in a ceiling vent above staring down. No, don’t look! Just keep your eyes on the column, and pretend like you are enjoying it. I am here only to take notes and provide assistance during and after the column-reading process. You should feel medium safe. I am armed with a fire extinguisher, spatula and a pair of tweezers, as well as the soundtrack to Batman Forever. If there is a problem, as there almost certainly will be, I have three pigeons prepared to fly out and warn the Coast Guard, the CEO of Chrysler and Dominos. Balloon animals are standing by. If you like, I will have cake ready to offer to make you feel better; that is, of course, providing you can still move your face on command.
Now that you have been properly warned of the requirements and repercussions that lie ahead, it is with esteemed pleasure and delight that I present to you today’s column:
Zack Poitras, a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].
