It was the most exciting day for American youth, the most prosperous day for Mars Candies and the most horrific day for any medical school reject (a.k.a. dentists). Walking around Faneuil Hall yesterday, however, I noticed places wasted little time to redecorate and remodel. Complete with jingling stereos and glittery sales, stores like CVS, Bath ‘ Body Works and Macy’s have decked their halls with Santa’s sleighs and Rudolph’s bruised nose.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year – two months early. I have hardly tasted my first Hershey bar and already Shaw’s is beginning to stock up on eggnog and apple cider.
Even the weather was daunting this past weekend – what a nightmare it was for you to think of wearing a parka to go trick or treating. Unless the costume was of old school U.S. Olympic skier Picabo Street, I doubt you had your snow boots ready.
I don’t know about you, but I’m having a hard time with this. And please, don’t start to turn on those great Bing Crosby tunes and watch your VHS of Home Alone and Muppet Christmas Carol.
Let’s take the time to debrief what I see as the disenfranchisement and commercial disintegration of a classic secularized American family holiday: What happened to Halloween?
Out are the bottomless pillowcases that you could spend the entire night filling to the brim. In are mass produced, heavily marketed and seemingly ugly plastic crates that cost 20 times as much as how much candy you could barely fit in the damn thing.
Out are the full size and king size candy bars that display generosity, charity, kindness, benevolence, good will and pleasure of the household. In are the miniature and snack size portions of chocolate that hardly satisfy such a stomach that waits all year for this. My cousins even reported such horrific accounts of “Sorry, we forgot this year.”
Consequently, out are the giant smiles of satisfaction of finding the enormous bowl of candy with the classic note “Please take just one. Happy Halloween.” All kids in their right mind, as they well should, love to dump the entire bowl into their bag. You tell them now to get excited throwing a boatload Jolly Ranchers in there. Yuck.
This astronomical problem could measure gruesome consequences. In a country that prides itself on super-size fries, extra-large pizzas and bottomless tubs of popcorn, why should innocent little kids settle for mediocrity?
And pretzels? You might as well hand out some healthy fruit snack. Shame on you.
Quarters? Who are you? You go buy the candy!
There is NOTHING fun about the fun size packages. It’s just plain embarrassing.
What message do stinginess, frugality and this unpatriotic behavior send to our youth?
And unfortunately (as I move onto my second bite-size Snickers that I could inhale in one breath), the hysteria of the fallout of Halloween’s holiness doesn’t stop with food.
Beneath the facade of adorable outfits are cheap, trite and ugly costumes. Yeah, I said it. What ever happened to creativity? Did you fail in making your own costume? Do you feel better knowing you bought a $75 princess outfit for little Tiffany?
Most of us, thankfully, don’t have to front that kind of cash for those ditzy WASPy outfits for our kids – yet. We college students, though, are running out of ideas ourselves. I think I can speak for everyone in saying that too many leather-laced and short-skirted sluts made their way around campus this past weekend.
That whole police-stripper thing is getting old. The Playboy bunny? Not such a turn-on when over-exaggerated. Wait until it’s time for bachelor parties, please.
Ever hear of Lara Croft Tomb Raider? Can you get a Princess Leia bikini? How ’bout dressing up as Ariel from The Little Mermaid? I promise you that guys would be salivating and drooling over this kind of Halloween eye-candy – not to mention the high-class and sophisticated effort you put into your hotness.
I got a few suggestions for guys, too. A black robe and big glasses could make you Judge Ito from the O.J. Simpson case. A bad grade in history and an ugly mask makes you Harriet Miers. Grow a goatee, act all selfish and call yourself ex-Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein.
And if you don’t like anything I say, get a copy of Adam Sandler’s ageless guide to last-minute Halloween costumes. Either that or go stuff yourselves with a fun-size Twix.
I have to go update my holiday gift list.
Does anyone know when Thanksgiving is?