This week I’m not answering your questions — I’m giving you advice. It’s the kind of advice that might sting a little but will save you years of romantic confusion.
I recently came across a statistic that said 43% of first marriages and about 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Would you look at these numbers? That’s most marriages.
But here’s what really gets me: All those couples were in love at some point. They said “yes” to each other. They had butterflies, inside jokes and matching mugs — the whole Pinterest board of romance. So, what happened? When does that spark die out?
My current theory is this: Too many people don’t stand firmly enough in their relationships.
We’ve been conditioned to think love is about sacrifice. But there’s a fine line between flexibility and being a doormat.
At the core of every healthy relationship is a list of non-negotiables — not the superficial kind like “must be over six feet tall” or “has to like dogs,” but the soul-level standards that define your peace.
Your non-negotiables are the things that say, “I love you, but I love myself too.” They’re your inner compass, or the quiet voice that whispers “This doesn’t feel right,” even when the relationship looks fine on paper.
Here’s the truth: Love without boundaries isn’t love. It’s self-abandonment dressed up as devotion.
But if you’re feeling a bit lost on what the line is between a non-negotiable and just being picky, you’re not alone. The more I thought about it, I couldn’t help but wonder: Before you go searching for your next great romance, what are some things you should not be willing to compromise on?
1. Speak with respect
Disagreements are normal, even healthy, but if your partner’s first instinct is name-calling, belittling or tossing low blows like a bad poker player, that’s not passion — that’s disrespect.
Don’t forget what happens when you’re not around. If your partner is running to friends to complain, mock you or play the victim, that’s emotional betrayal. A healthy partner protects your reputation in rooms you’re not in.
Respect isn’t optional — it’s the foundation of trust. If someone calls you names, it’s time to call it quits.
2. Zero tolerance for physical violence
Adding to the first point — this one is non-negotiable. No person who truly loves you will ever raise a hand in anger. I don’t care if it’s a “tap” or a “light punch.” That is not love — that is basic human decency.
Here’s the harsh truth: If someone hits once, they are capable of hitting again. Do not rationalize it, do not forgive it and do not text “it’s fine.” Just don’t. Love doesn’t bruise — it nourishes.
3. Emotional availability is a must
Emotional availability isn’t optional. You can’t build a real relationship with someone who’s “almost ready” or checked out. Being present isn’t just showing up — it’s about being able to talk about feelings, share fears and say “this hurts” without the fear of being dismissed.
If they dodge difficult conversations, shut down or ghost emotionally every time it gets real, that’s not romance — that’s a revolving door of frustration.
True love isn’t just about enjoying sunsets together. It’s about showing up for the messy, uncomfortable “I have no idea what to do” moments, too.
4. Put in the effort
Here’s a little reality check: The chase doesn’t end once you’re officially “together.” In fact, the real work starts here. Relationships are like plants — if you stop watering them, they wither.
Small gestures matter: remembering your coffee order, sending a random “thinking of you” text or listening when you complain about your day. Effort is sexy and complacency is not. If they aren’t putting in the effort, it’s a sign that the relationship could be on autopilot.
5. They have to be funny
Matching each other’s sense of humor is important because laughter is glue — it keeps you bonded when life gets stressful.
If you can’t laugh together, life will feel heavier. But if you can, even the most mundane moments can feel like an inside joke you’ll get to share forever. Bonus points if they can laugh at themselves because it’s never that serious.
6. No friends with exes
Exes are like expired coupons. They served their purpose and trying to cash them in again is rarely a good idea.
Having close friendships with exes can blur boundaries, breed jealousy and invite drama you don’t need. If your partner insists on staying “besties” with an ex, it’s fair to ask why. Healthy relationships are built on clarity, trust and a focus on the present — not the ghosts of past loves.
7. Must be on the same intellectual wavelength
Intellectual compatibility is the understated cornerstone of lasting relationships. It’s not about having the same degree or quoting the same philosophers — it’s about a shared curiosity, mutual respect for ideas and the ability to converse deeply without frustration.
If every discussion feels like a battle of wits where only one person “wins,” or if your partner dismisses your perspectives, your connection will eventually feel shallow.
True compatibility allows for thoughtful debate, playful banter and the occasional “aha” moment together. When your minds resonate, it creates a connection that goes far beyond attraction — it’s stimulating, enduring and quietly intoxicating.
8. Ambitious — but not competitive
Ambition is essential, but here’s the nuance: Your partner doesn’t need to outshine you or run a Fortune 500 company while you’re still figuring out your side hustle. What matters is drive, purpose and a willingness to grow.
An ambitious partner has goals, curiosity and the discipline to pursue them — even if they’re on a smaller scale than yours. The key is respect and support for each other’s journeys. Someone who cheers for your victories without feeling threatened and pursues their own path with integrity keeps the relationship dynamic and inspiring rather than a subtle ego contest.
9. Good manners
Charm without civility is like champagne without bubbles — it might look good, but it won’t sparkle for long. Good manners are deceptively simple, but they reveal volumes about a person’s character.
We’re talking about the little things: holding doors, showing gratitude, being punctual, speaking kindly to servers and treating everyone around them with respect. If someone only saves their politeness for you, that’s not elegance — that’s selective courtesy. True manners reflect genuine consideration, and they signal a partner who is capable of empathy, patience and thoughtfulness in all areas of life.
- They take care of themselves
It might sound superficial, but let’s be honest — how someone cares for themselves says a great deal about how they’ll care for you. Taking pride in one’s appearance isn’t about vanity — it’s about self-respect.
It takes minimal effort to get up, get dressed and show up looking like you tried. If someone consistently can’t be bothered to put themselves together, that’s not “low maintenance” — that’s low effort.
The point isn’t perfection or designer labels. A partner who maintains their health, hygiene and personal style demonstrates discipline, confidence and self-worth. Those qualities translate into how they’ll show up in a relationship. If they can’t invest even a little effort into themselves, what makes you think they’ll invest it in you?
- They make an effort to be on time
Whether you acknowledge it or not, your time means something. I’m not saying no one has ever been late to anything ever, but it’s not funny if your partner is consistently showing up 15 to 30 minutes late to plans you had set.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a formal dinner or just a casual hangout — being on time is a sign of respect and not something I would ever consider negotiating.
- They’re financially smart
Most people in their 20s or 30s don’t have their finances perfectly sorted, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is choosing to stay financially clueless. Financial illiteracy is a red flag wrapped in a “we’ll figure it out later” excuse.
You don’t need a finance degree or a stock portfolio, but you do need basic money maturity. You should pay your bills on time, live within your means and have some kind of plan for the future.
How someone manages their money says a lot about how they manage their life. At the end of the day, a partner who’s financially responsible isn’t just more stable, but more dependable.
- Communication should never feel like pulling teeth
Someone recently told me she and her boyfriend don’t text every day because he “doesn’t like to.” Well, then, does he even like you?
Daily and consistent communication is important. You don’t need to spill out every detail of your day through text, but it shouldn’t be this massive push to check in on someone you care about.
- Celebrate the small moments
The little things are what make a relationship feel alive. Whether it’s the anniversary of your first date, a small personal win or even surviving a rough week together, those moments deserve acknowledgment.
It’s not about grand gestures or expensive gifts. It’s about effort and appreciation. Taking time to celebrate the small milestones shows that you value the journey, not just the highlights.
- You must be happy on your own
Melissa Lemieux
No partner — no matter how wonderful — can fill the spaces you refuse to fill yourself. It’s dangerously easy to make someone else the center of your happiness, but that kind of dependency always comes with a quiet expiration date.
Real love is not about completion. It’s about complementing. When you’re happy on your own, you stop clinging and start choosing. You love freely, not fearfully. And that type of love is the kind that lasts.
