As some of you so astutely observed last week, I am oftentimes oblivious and ignorant to the tastes of the commoners, or “students” as you prefer to be called. Granted, I am a quasi-man who enjoys the finer things in life, such as chilled 40-oz. bottles of vintage Natural Ice, weekend getaways to Allston Village and films starring Rick Moranis, but I never thought I was out of touch with my fellow man.
So you can imagine the shock to my thoroughbred high horse and I last week after we were accused of just such a thing. Far be it from me to express myself in my opinion column, but you must understand it was the type of smugness that sometimes results when you critique high-brow and sophisticated artistic expressions such as Old School, “I’m Rick James” and the book of Genesis.
Anyways, as I am always eager to please my readers this week, I am switching gears and reaching out to help, not criticize you, with some sound advice in an attempt to make amends for last week’s inexcusable lapse into stupidity.
With winter right around the corner and the temperatures dropping, many of you are no doubt looking for ways to beat the freezing New England weather and stay warm. Well, as someone who is about to experience his fourth winter on the Boston University campus and 22nd in Massachusetts, I know how to beat the cold, stay comfortable and how to choose the style of Uggs that makes you look most like an idiot.
The first step when dealing with the frigid temperatures is dressing appropriately. For those who are not yet used to Boston weather, this is easier said than done. The weather can go from 60 degrees and sunny to snowing faster than a pastor can throw away the crystal meth he bought from a male prostitute.
So, the question becomes what to wear? The obvious choices are traditional cold weather garb, such as gloves, ear muffs and heavy jackets. However, do not be pulled in by the usual dull choices. This year, your best bet is to think outside the box.
Rather than spend money on clothes, grow a beard. If you are a guy, you know the warmth facial hair can provide. If you are a girl, not only will it keep you warm, but it will give everyone something to talk about at Thanksgiving, after they have finished throwing up dinner. Also girls, it is hair you do not have to wax to get rid of.
Someday when I can grow facial hair, I am definitely growing a beard for the winter.
Another way to avoid the winter freeze is taking the T to and from class. It is cheap, warm and offers all the amenities of driving without those annoying problems like personal space. And not only does it offer speed and cover from the elements, it also gives you a chance to see where comfort goes to die.
Few moments at BU offer greater joy than escaping the snow and standing packed, shoulder-to-shoulder with fellow revelers, eager to share in your joy and their stuffy noses, high fevers and horrific coughs. All you need to do is grab hold of that metal pole that has been touched by everyone else on the T and lean up against the doors that could pop open at any moment, because your trip to the Pleasant Street stop just turned into a one-way trip to Pleasantville.
Last, and certainly the most academically damaging, is my personal favorite: Hibernation.
When I say hibernation the first question most of you will ask is, “Isn’t that what bears do in caves?” I hope by now you would know I would never suggest something as crazy or illogical as spending the entire winter like an animal in a cave.
No, my plan involves spending the entire winter locked in your room, safely hidden from having to decide what clothes to wear, people carrying sickness and of course, the cold. What better way to stay warm than not to venture outside?
Inspired more by Howard Hughes than by bears, it allows you to stay warm with the aid of blankets, clothes and heat, all of which are not accessible to bears.
Plus, bears do not have access to The O.C. Seasons One to Three to pass the time. No, they only have Season One. Stupid, unsophisticated bears.
Now I realize many of you might be worried by such drawbacks as class attendance requirements, diminished social interaction with friends and not showering, but the advantages of spending the entire winter in your bed are plentiful. They include not having to attend class, not having to socially interact with BU people and not having to shower.
Despite these advantages, for most people it boils down to a simple question: “Will hibernation really keep me warm?” To those people I say, “Hey, does a bear sleep in the woods?”
No matter how you decide to beat the cold New England winter, whether it is by dress, taking the T or hibernation, just remember to take my advice and stay warm and safe. You can thank my high horse and me later.