I simply cannot get enough of this Jessica Lynch girl. I know some people are screaming about overexposure, but can there really be such a thing for a creature as heroic and wonderful as Private Lynch? As of right now, I’m compiling a list of her favorite things her favorite color, movie, song and/or band, beverage, food, shampoo, television program, breakfast cereal and toilet paper, among other things. So far, I know none of these, and I find that fact rather distressing. This can mean only one thing: I need me some more Lynch!
It’s a sad day for the American media when I know so few of the intimate details about the daily life of someone of Private Lynch’s caliber. Really, I know all of the little details about her being captured, standing her ground heroically and going through a painful rehabilitation period. I know all about her gun jamming, and how Iraqi doctors tried to deliver her back to American troops only to be shot at. I even know about the possible sexual assault and amputation scare. Boring! If someone doesn’t tell me who she (totally) had a crush on in seventh grade I’m going to (like) flip out!
I almost got a break this week when former California gubernatorial candidate and porn king Larry Flynt announced he had pictures of a young Miss Lynch frolicking in the nude. Joy of joys, I would finally get to invade one of the most personal aspects of the young girl’s life like she and her comrades invaded Iraq! Sadly though, Flynt said he felt bad that Jessica was being used as a ‘pawn’ by the U.S. government, and decided to lock away the photos in the Hustler vault, never to be released. I think I speak for all of America in saying that you’ve done a terrible injustice to the country, Larry Flynt, and that you’re a terrible person to boot. How dare you rob us of precious, precious information (especially tantalizing visual information) about someone’s private life?
But I suppose that’s fine, since the ‘official’ Jessica Lynch biography was recently released. However, since Rick Bragg wrote most of it, many see a problem with the book from the get go. So what if Mr. Bragg was accused of plagiarizing a freelance journalist’s work and claiming it was his own? He’s giving full credit to Jessica here, and I’m sure the book will be chock full of interesting tidbits about her life as soldier. I mean, he finds out things she didn’t even know happened! He didn’t get the chance to go to Iraq to interview people, but he still manages to reveal some shocking truths that Jessica herself could not imagine. I mean, who would have thought that she was sexually assaulted if she herself (or the doctors treating her) didn’t know about it? I swear, the man is a psychic!
Of course, as I’ve mentioned before, the validity of the book is brought into question since the subject was not aware of some of the goings-on in the print. But does that really matter if I’m getting my Lynch on? I think it’s fairly safe to assume that while perhaps exploiting Miss Lynch for a quick dollar, the publisher would never try to swindle me by forcing lies down my throat. I think we all learned in grade school that books don’t lie. From The Bible to Mein Kampf, if it’s in print, it must be true! The same goes for the internet, by the way.
While I have not had the chance to read the book, I do imagine it will satiate my hunger for all things Jessica Lynch, at least for the next few weeks. My main fear, though, is this: what happens if she drops from the media spotlight, never to be seen again? I would be rather upset if I had to discard my shrine to her just as I had to dismantle my ‘Well Baby’ shrine back in the late 1980s (it was my first shrine too) due to a lack of new information. And I’m not even mentioning my recently demolished Elizabeth Smart tribute I had built in my dorm room. I just don’t think I’d die happy without knowing what Jessica Lynch had for lunch on Nov. 3. This is what keeps me up at night, anxiously refreshing CNN’s web page for the most recent news scoop.
I suppose, though, I would eventually move on to bigger and better things after an intense two- to three-year period of depression. Eventually, someone else will come along and become a new media darling, taking my hand and showing me right from wrong. If Jessica proved to me that our war with Iraq was the proper thing to do and that all Iraqi men are rapists, terrible physicians, evil guerrilla warriors or all three of those things combined to form some sort of Voltron-like super Iraqi, then someone, somewhere will come along to prove another cause to me. I will then, like some sort of parasite aided by modern media coverage, latch on to said person and drain them of their dignity in hopes to make my life just a little bit better. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to pitch the Post Cereal Company an idea I have. I’m calling it ‘Jessica Lynch’s Corn P.O.W.s,’ and hopefully it will soon be part of your complete breakfast.
Quintin Marcelino, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. His email is quintinmarcelino @hotmail.com.