Leave it to Massachusetts to further destroy traditional family values. As if they didn’t do enough by making a complete mockery of the sanctity of matrimony when they legalized gay marriage, now the Bay State is going after the children. Or more specifically, every parent’s right to beat the crap out of the children. Yup — Mass-hole politicians are trying to outlaw the time-tested child rearing technique of spanking.
A new bill introduced in the House by Lexington Democrat Jay Kaufmann would make the act of forcefully laying one’s hand on a child under the age of 18 a crime in Massachusetts. The bill is being sponsored on the behalf of Kathleen Wolff, a 61-year-old nurse from Arlington who’s probably never even had children, or at least none who have made a positive contribution to society.
Listen, I could ramble on and on about how asinine this bill is. I could make jokes about how Kathleen Wolff probably wasn’t spanked as a child, and how now she’s just jealous because she’s some kind of sexual deviant longing for attention. I would even be justified in saying how hypocritical Massachusetts is for refusing to legislate on morality when it comes to abortion and marriage but feels free to do so when it comes to parenting.
Yes, I could go on for pages and pages about this, but I’m only allotted so much space each week, and I don’t feel like wasting it on a bunch of dinks and their reckless legislation. Besides, I have a better shot of getting milk from a bull than I have of talking sense into the idiots who run this state.
Instead, I’m going to reach out to the good, honest and sane parents I know still exist somewhere in this confused, leftist wasteland. While I have no children of my own. I understand how difficult it can be to raise this generation of kids. I’ve seen the Maury show. They’re awful. They swear, do drugs, have sex and generally disrespect their elders.
When Massachusetts passes this bill, parents here are going to be left without an effective means of disciplining these wretched little monsters. Traditional punishments like time-out, no dessert, being grounded and “go-to-your-room” are useless against this crop of future convicts and teenage mothers. Kids are too far out of control to be reasoned with; beating them is the only way they’ll listen.
And now that the most effective form of behavior control could be outlawed, moms and dads are going to a need a new form of punishment that won’t involve actually touching a child but will still cause as much physical pain as possible. Thankfully for the parents of Massachusetts, I’ve thought of a disciplinary method that does just that. It’s called wind sprints.
Remember wind sprints from gym class and after-school teams? Damn, how much did those suck? A lot, I know. Now imagine if a child had to do those any time he screwed up. Get a D on your exam? Wind sprints. Didn’t take out the trash? Wind sprints. Overcook daddy’s porterhouse? Wind sprints.
Everyone hates wind sprints; that’s just a fact of nature. And fortunately for us, they’re not against the law. So what better way to punish these punks than by forcing them to run back and forth until the burning pain in their legs and lungs forces them to collapse in a pool of tears?
Just imagine: Parents from Boston to Pittsfield re-enacting that famous scene from Miracle. Dad, stoic like Herb Brooks, ordering mom to blow the whistle and send the kids on another excruciating sprint. Mom hesitant, reluctant to cause any more pain. “Send ’em… again,” the father will say sternly. She’ll oblige, blow the whistle and force those miscreants to keep running until they have an Eruzionian epiphany and realize they are wrong after all and need to start acting sensibly.
Think some kid is going to refuse to make his bed or clean out the gutters if he knew it would result in him running 25 down-and-backs? Heck no. Those chores would seem like a vacation at Six Flags compared to that.
Not to mention how this method would do wonders in combating the problem of childhood obesity, because we all know that the only thing worse than an unruly child is a fat, unruly child. Wind sprints rectify both problems. Two birds, one stone.
So go ahead Massachusetts, ban spanking. While the rest of the country is laughing at you — if they aren’t already — the rest of the parents in the Bay State and I will quietly laugh to ourselves, knowing that your attempts to stop the spread of “tough love” are all but futile — because parents in Massachusetts may no longer be able to take their own flesh and blood over the knee, but they sure as hell can put them “on the line.”
Brian Fudge, a senior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].