As winter bears down on Boston, the entire city bundles up and prepares for another season of snow, ice and cold. For lifelong New Englanders like me, the winter routine has become second nature. But there are plenty of students here at BU from the South and Southwest that have never really experienced the season as I have year after year. That first Boston winter can come as a real shock, so I figured I would help out by giving you some tips that I’ve picked over the years.

First of all, you should never ever approach snow under any circumstances. It is filled with thousands and thousands of tiny poisonous scorpions invisible to the naked eye. And they can jump. If you come within six inches of the stuff, the scorpions will jump at you and feast on your flesh. You might see people coming close to and even touching the snow and think it safe, but don’t be fooled. If these people are not only holograms projected by the scorpions’ ultra-sophisticated tiny optical illusion machines, they are themselves giant scorpions in disguise. Keep a safe distance at all times. If you do see a giant scorpion, do not bother alerting the authorities. Most of them are also giant scorpions in disguise. A good rule of thumb is to just assume that everyone else is a giant scorpion, converse with no one and get from one place to another as quickly as possible.

If you must venture outside and the snow is unavoidable, there are some things you can do to keep safe. There is scorpion repellent. However, it is extremely rare and expensive. Do not let anyone know you are looking for it and when you get some, never let on that you have it. Otherwise, you will have to fend off hordes of people desperate to find relief from the incessant biting and scratching of their own poisonous scorpions. You will have to figure out how to find this scorpion repellent on your own. There is no way you’re getting me to spill my secret.

In your middle- and high-school earth sciences classes, you may have learned that bears retreat into their caves to spend the entire winter hibernating. This is true out in nature, but what about all those city bears? That is where you come in. Boston bears spend the winter skipping from apartment to apartment and from dorm to dorm. You’ll be lucky to not have a bear knocking on your door in the middle of the night looking for a place to sleep. If the bear gets on your nerves (they’ve been known to snore and can be quite messy), don’t worry. The bear will usually only crash for a few days before he heads out to find a new shelter somewhere else.

One of the most depressing things about winter is the way the sun sets earlier and earlier. You’ll have to get used to the sky turning dark before five o’clock. Of course this means only one thing: afternoon vampires. Normally, the threat of vampires is only present late at night when the streets have more or less cleared anyway. But in the winter, your walks home from afternoon classes will be full of vampires lunging at you and bats soaring around everywhere above your head. Make sure you don’t forget your giant wooden cross and always carry a revolver loaded with a silver bullet. They should be right next to your gloves as essential wintertime apparel.

Speaking of apparel, for the image-conscious, the right winter attire is essential to making the season as fun as it can be. You don’t want to be caught wearing snow pants like the kind every New Englander stopped wearing after third grade. People from the Northeast like to demonstrate how little the cold bothers us. To blend in, wear either a tank top or one of those T-shirts with the tuxedo drawn onto the front. If you’re caught wearing anything else in December, January or February, you will instantly be recognized as the outsider that you are.

We also wear roller skates rather than shoes or boots. I’m not sure why exactly. It’s just one of those regional traditions. Make sure to get little chains for the wheels on your roller skates for traction on the slippery sidewalks. For those extra-cold days, wear a multicolored wig and a small red ball on your nose. If you can find one that makes noise when you press it, that’s even better.

For someone from the sunny climates of places like Florida and Southern California, the first winter in Boston will probably can be a traumatic experience. If you’re not prepared, the coming months will be awful, but with a little forethought, winter can be a great time. So lace up your skates and have a blast!