Being the hardcore Boston University fan boy that I am, I spend much of my living hours racing through the hallowed halls of Mugar Library, delving deep into the sacred and profane books of yore to be found there, willing the hours away in search of legends and tidbits from BU’s checkered past to share with one and all. Recently, my perverse and fanatic probing has culminated in the acquisition of a more historical reassessment of the buildings that make up our fine institution. These buildings, so familiar to us in their corporeal, mundane form, are still singularly un-known, as sinisterly hidden is their historical lore. Until now, through a socio-political/metaphysical angle, I bring you, dear reader, into the cacophony light of pure vision. Most feel that, like cream cheese potatoes, the history of dull college buildings is a mystery better left unknown. Well, I think that’s bunk. Here’s what I’ve unearthed about our university’s scrupulous – nay, intrepid – building history, presented humbly in the format of a walking tour, wherefore divine right be thine guide.
Shelton Hall was founded in 1863 by Cornelius Leadbutt, an anthropologist industrialist and eccentric thousandaire. He once owned the largest collection of answering machine messages in the country, but when he discovered they weren’t invented yet, a time flux in the universe caused him to turn into the statue of clothes hangers outside of Marsh Chapel. Oh yeah, and some guy named Eugene O’Neill died here too.
Danielson Hall used to be the humble abode of Prudence Wankmunster, a wretched fellow who made his living breaking in 20s and pre-worn jeans. One night, young Wankmunster couldn’t stop thinking about how weird it was to breathe and died the next day of an intestinal nosebleed.
Myles Standish Hall is said to be the most haunted dorm on campus. Named for the “famous explorer” of the same name, some students have seen the ghost of Standish snuffing up potato salad in the dining halls, or roaming through the walls in the corridor that smells like soiled snow pants. Legend says that Babe Ruth met a hooker here once, and some still see The Ghost of Babe’s “home runs” seeping through the walls to this day.
Morse Auditorium was once the famed moniker for the Congregational Asgardian Reformed Church (Twice Removed). In 1927, it hosted the third largest collection of deep-set windowsills on the East Coast, but by the mid 1930s, depressions were a fad and the building became a sanctuary for mole men.
It might come as a shock to everyone, but Warren Towers was originally a prison that hosted some of the most dangerous criminals in the country. Some of the most infamous “guests” of Warren include “Embalming Curious” George Vocetti and Klaus Clout, the Boston Tree-hugger.
The Towers: The only interesting feature of this building is that you can trap everyone in it simply by blocking the front door.
The College of Engineering was founded by Artimer Fakenamehere, a law-abiding citizen who one day entered the dark and steamy world of astrophysics and was never seen again.
The BU Academy: I found nothing interesting about this building, so I made up an elaborate story involving a post-apocalyptic biker gang using it for refuge against an ensuing zombie attack.
In the mid 1980s, The George Sherman Union was to be the site for a big-budget Perfect Strangers movie starring Roberto Benigni and Martin Scorcese. The plot was going to be about mistaken identity and switched suitcases, but the company producing the film was sued by the makers of Hello, Dali! and the film was inevitably thrown out because they … lost the suit.
The Castle was once owned by the author Antoinius Reallyfakename. After the success of his first book, “Bratwurst for Beginners,” Reallyfakename was planning to buy out the rest of the street and turn it into porn store dedicated to the Elvis impersonating fetish. Unfortunately, he was born with an axe in his back and died 41 years later.
No one knows where The Photonics Center came from. Let he who hath understanding recon its significance in the dawning of the Legion of Man.
West Campus was founded by a group of Elves in the land of Sub-Earth some thousands of years ago. It is now the pleasant, rambling home to hundreds of hairy-footed halflings and their somewhat ironically gorgeous female counterparts.
Nickerson Field wasn’t founded, but rather was discovered by the Boston Braves when they realized that Braves was too cool of a name for them.
And over here by my Missing Integrity you’ll find the Dead Horse I just shot with this column.
Patrick May, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.
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