Columns, Opinion

GLANDER, SAUER AND FORSTER: Barbershop foreplay

Dear Nancies,

There’s a really cute, funny, smart girl in my modern lit class, and I want to talk to her, but every time I try to approach her I freeze up and can’t think of anything to say. Do you have any tips?


Crushin’ Hard

Dear Mr. Hard,

If you want to change your game from Solitaire to Solitaire: Multiplayer Edition, you’ll need to do more than overpower her with a thick cloud of cinnamon-flavored body spray (though that’s still recommended).

There’s one foolproof secret to making any girl your booty supplier: talk about the weather. It works on so many levels. It instantly gives you something in common, since everyone goes outside (except the weird pale girls). If that’s not enough, it’s also an opportunity for some great weather-based double entendres. The classically charming ‘it’s snow big deal if you don’t want to, but let’s get hot chocolate’ will break the ice, as will ‘let’s have sex while it’s nice outside’ (‘nice’ can be replaced with ‘cloudy,’ etc). On an especially hot day, go for the elegant and understated ‘I’m in heat.’ Weather or not you use that one is entirely at your discretion.

Pull the ‘For Sale by Owner’ sign off of that girl’s face because she’s your property now. Your nights of crying in bed and wishing for someone to love you besides your two co-columnists are over. Make it rain, Crushin’. Make it rain.


The Nancies

Dear Nancies

?I know this sounds paranoid, but I’m positive somebody is following me. Twice I’ve come home to find that my lock and my computer have been tampered with. I’m also missing my favorite underpants. They are my favorite because they have rocket ships. Oh, and I am a girl, so this is creepy.


Hot and Bothered?

Dear Hot,

??First of all, don’t panic. You are in experienced hands; at least two Nancies have been in this exact scenario before, simultaneously and at opposite ends. It is important to remember you are dealing with an unstable freak, meaning he or she feeds on your fear, so bring out the bravado. Every hunter needs prey, not a daring adversary. Leave your door open, don’t draw the blinds and don’t wash your clothing.?It is imperative that your admirer knows your smell. Try wearing more provocative garments and spending more time in public areas. Did you know that most predators actually avoid those places? Keep this in mind next time you choose between an assumably followed car ride and a harmless midnight subway ride. Bathrooms are a thing of the past for you now; find a grassy patch and act as though nobody in the world is ever watching. Trust us, as you reveal more information to the stalker, the novelty of playing incognito will fade and this bizarre character will fall away from your life.?Also, switch back to Herbal Essences, it makes the smell of your hair linger. Oh, and your friend emailed you about a Nada Surf concert in a few weeks ‘- we know you like that bassist with the stupid dreads.

See ya (After gym),

The Nancies?


Dear Nancies,

I’m new to the whole Boston area, and I don’t know where to take my shaggy head to get a haircut. I’d let one of my friends do it, but I don’t really trust them, and it is way too expensive to go to one of the swanky barber boutiques.

Please help me out,

Sweeney Toddler?

Dearest Toddler,

Alopecia patients and novelty cats aside, hair is without a doubt the only way to find a place in society. No longer just a place to store digested cocaine, hair’s history has enlivened barbers and babushka-wearers alike. In the past, the way your hair looked determined your social class. Nobles wore lusterless powdered wigs that complimented their badass broaches, while the peasants sported carefully preened beehives during the roughest winter farming months to centralize body heat (and store honey).

Enough with the barbershop foreplay; here’s our advice. Since legality and morality prevent us from appointing you a trustworthy barber, we can only steer you in the right direction. Avoid places that say ‘walk-ins welcome,’ because they usually aren’t ‘- while you can still get your haircut, you will miss out on the hospitable charm good barbershops possess. Resist boutiques with booming techno; you will leave with a swatch of neon pink hair.

But honestly, it’s what you do with your hair that forms the ‘do. Ancient Chinese proverbs from barbers of the past offer three founding thoughts: ‘know thy ‘do,’ which means to have an image about your head in your head.?’Dew the ‘do,’ or basically use as much gel as necessary. And finally, ‘a ‘do in the hair is worth two in the bush.’

Best wishesly,

The Nancies.

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