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Ampersand

“Oooh that smell, can’t ya smell that smell …’’ the smell of death indeed surrounded us at the ol’ Free Press this week. Yes folks, no amount of Febreeze can tackle this pungent aroma emanating from the lobby couch of the DFP.

The odor of the lobby couch, long a favorite flop for tired freepers, grew in strength over the course of the semester, but the jokes about it did not begin to circulate until October. We casually threw around phrases like “ooh, smells like something died in there.” But no one really thought anything of it, after all we are talking about the dirtiest place on campus.

Editor Erik Malinowski, tipped off by office manager Tracy Wrighton, made the grisly discovery on Wednesday. You may be familiar with the beloved children’s book character, The Cat in the Hat. The Free Press has a new comic hero that has captured our hearts. We call him the Mouse in the Couch.

Erik’s first words upon finding our furry friend buried amongst the cushions and wedged within the sofa were, “Whoa. That is one flat bastard.” Flat, though surprisingly well preserved, the corpse was gingerly removed from said sofa with a large poster tube and subsequently hurled onto Commonwealth Avenue.

We suspect that the lack of mouse decay was facilitated by the warmth of many a writer’s ass passing over it each and every day. This mummification process rivals that of the Egyptians. It’s a shame they didn’t think of ass warmth as a method of body preservation thousands of years ago.

The true casualty of the mouse mess has to be the couch. Our Mouse in the Couch left behind a legacy that will be hard to forget. His mark, or rather his scent will be left on the DFP for weeks to come, or at least until the garbage men come to haul the couch away.

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