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HOOK: Redemption? Yes we can

Normally, I don’t like to address the hard issues in my column, but earlier this week, as I was pretending not to be staring at the magazine cover models at City Co., I happened to lay eyes upon a shocking story in The Boston Globe. Apparently, Massachusetts is considering a bill to legalize small amounts of marijuana. Thankfully, that drew my eyes to an even more interesting story right below it about how the state is considering raising the deposit on beverage containers from five to 10 cents! Now I don’t have to tell you how bad of an idea this is. Or perhaps I do: very, very, very bad. As it stands, there is only one other state with another flat 10-cent deposit like this, and that’s Michigan. Now, this is a state that had everything going for it — a large militia, a hollowed-out core of a once-great city, Ted Nugent – but then the government stepped in and got too big for its britches. Now Michigan has the highest unemployment rate in the entire country and a Canadian for a governor. Coincidence? I think not.

The Globe article starts with an interview with James, a Dorchester “resident” who “has spent years rifling through dumpsters.” Now, I’m as much of a fan of dumpster diving as the next guy — way more of a fan than my roommate, Bill. When I told him where I got our silverware — oh man. I didn’t even have the guts to tell him where I got our toothbrushes. But either this James guy is as Dutch as I am or something much more terrifying is true: James is a hobo.

Apparently, James not only salvages his grimy bed sheets from dumpsters (I swear that mine were soiled when I found them, Bill), but also salvages his livelihood. Naturally, he is in favor of raising the deposit to 10 cents — it would literally double his income. That’s the last thing I need: more snobbish Dorchester residents walking around with their top hats and shopping carts, making Allstonians feel bad about ourselves.

I know lawmakers like to think that raising the deposit to 10 cents would cause people to recycle more, but let’s be honest. Returning 20 cans for two bucks meant a lot when I was 7 years old, but $2 whores are impossible to find in cities like Boston. That much will barely buy you a ride on the T these days and won’t even get you close to those other kinds of rides. Now we could look at the real roots of this problem — inflation, a slowing economy and increased scrutiny of Emperor’s Club SOB (the affordable alternative to Spitzer’s VIP version) — but as we all know, the quick fix is always the best solution. So I’d like to propose two alternatives that I think would benefit everyone.

My first plan would lower the redemption value for cans to nothing. That way, the homeless will have no choice but to go out and get real jobs. Since no one will be recycling their cans anymore, there will be plenty of new jobs opening up for people willing to dig through household waste for recyclables. It’s what the homeless are good at, plus now they can make minimum wage doing it.

My second plan I know you’re going to love. Instead of eliminating the deposit, raise it to $5 per can. Hell, why not $10? Actually, $10 is a bit high — $5 per can is a good amount and I’ll tell you why: Would you ever throw away a can if it were worth $5? No, not even if it were filled with Natty Ice. Recycling rates would skyrocket to nearly 100 percent, forcing the homeless to disappear altogether. Voila!

And what’s that — you think having such a high deposit would cause people to buy fewer drinks? Just another benefit of my plan. Beer and other carbonated beverages — even those of the sugar-free variety — have been shown to be a leading cause of obesity. If we could eliminate both the homeless and the obese in one fell swoop, why, we’d have to rename this country the United States of Justin. Or Justania. Or the United Soviet Socialist Republic of Justin.

Clearly, the problem of recycling is one without an easy solution (aside from the two I have proposed above). But what’s important is that we don’t lose track of what’s really important: eliminating homelessness. If we can accomplish both goals at once, that’s fantastic. But if not, we shouldn’t be afraid to turn to Plan B: eliminating their source of income.

That means the entire nation must switch to the one drink that can’t be canned, no matter how hard they try. Milk. It does a body good.

Justin Hook, a junior in the College of Communication and College of Arts and Science, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at jbhook@bu.edu.

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