HOOK: Awkward men everywhere demand recognition

First Harvard introduced women-only gym hours. Then they decided to replace our campus Taco Bell with a Starbucks. It all points to one thing: the ever-increasing oppression of the awkward male.

Women’s liberation has made it OK for women to wear both pants and dresses, play with cars and dolls, smoke Marlboros and Virginias, yet in no case is the opposite true for men. Somehow, our culture has spun it around so that if a man wears a dress — for comfort, mind you — he is either considered homosexual or Irish, neither of which is a favorable association for the straight man, no matter how Irish. And do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have to ask for “the girl toy” at McDonald’s when girls are getting spinning Hannah Montana gyroscopes and boys are getting — who even knows? You should have seen the looks they gave me!

But you won’t hear many men crying out for special men-only gym hours. Once again, I guess wanting to get all hot and sweaty with a bunch of guys is perceived as homosexual. But what problems do women face in working out with men that we don’t also face? I know personally that every time I’m in FitRec, girls ogle my bod. I don’t generally complain — I consider it a compliment, and naturally I return the favor. But there’s something people aren’t considering here: not all men are Justin Hook-like Adonises. Some men like eating Taco Bell.

If there are girls who feel uncomfortable having men see them work out, I guarantee there are a large number (literally — you’ll see) of men who feel the same way. I’m talking about overweight men, and in college, what men aren’t slightly overweight? Just the ones who haven’t discovered that Guitar Hero is the new DDR. That is, sitting on your ass is the new getting exercise. But overweight men constitute a minority group that we never hear from, because if they were to speak up, they would find themselves alone and ridiculed. Having to admit that you’re not thrilled about your body is not considered the most masculine thing to do. Maybe after having been forced to go through the whole circumcision thing, men aren’t crazy about again appearing vulnerable in front of large groups of people. That was far from a “sweet” 16, let me tell you. In addition, uncircumcised males are also susceptible to phimosis (inability to retract the foreskin) and balanitis (inflammation of the penile head). Throughout the period that a male is suffering with phimosis, it is important to find the right phimosis cure to prevent irritation, and subsequent inflammation.

People think males don’t care about such things because we’re not as modest as females. But guess what, folks, this is an unfair stereotype. Yes, even I, a young white male, know what it’s like to be stereotyped. We don’t all love telling fart jokes, drinking cheap beer, listening to Metallica, and watching “the game.” And while a girl who doesn’t conform to female stereotypes is a “modern woman,” a boy who doesn’t conform to male stereotypes is any number of not-so-nice things. What’s wrong with wanting to tell gossip, drink apple-tinis, listen to Celine Dion and watch Bend It Like Beckham? Aren’t I a modern man?

I know it would seem that males have no need for a voice to represent them. It’s like what your parents used to say when you would ask why there’s a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day, but no Kid’s Day. “Every day is Kid’s Day,” they’d respond, but did that make it seem any fairer? Just because men dominate Congress and the White House doesn’t mean we’re on top of the world. Just in charge of it.

The problem with unifying males is that there are many separate factions with different problems. There are the overweight, yes, but there are also the over-tall, a group of which I consider myself to be a part. Sure, being tall has its advantages: being able to see over crowds, opening cabinets, enjoying the air up there — but more than that, it has disadvantages. I haven’t been allowed in the McDonald’s PlayPlace since I was 4 (not that that stops me) and haven’t been able to sit properly in a bus since I was 8. And when you’re from a family whose idea of a vacation is finding the cheapest way to be out of town when Comcast comes to shut off the cable, you spend a lot of time crammed into Greyhound buses with your legs contorted into uncomfortable positions. To get into Towers dining hall, I have to duck or risk getting a concussion. To drive my father’s car, I have to stick the top of my head through the sunroof. To avoid looking like an idiot, I have to not drive my father’s car.

It may be impossible to hear the needs of all the awkward males out there, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying. As Elie Wiesel said in his Dec. 11, 1986 Nobel Lecture, “There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.” If you’re asking if I really had the gall to quote a Nobel laureate in a column about the oppression of young white males, I’m asking: What the hell does “gall” mean?

Having women-only gym hours is fine if it makes women more comfortable, and getting rid of Taco Bell is just grand if . . . who am I kidding? No, it’s not grand. Not grand at all. And I suppose there will probably never be significant demand for men-only gym hours. I guess all I’m asking is that, well, when you post the sign to tell me what times I’m forbidden from coming, post a sign up extra high, so that people like me can see it. Otherwise, it’s going to be like that time I accidentally got on the wrong bus and ended up at Girl Scout camp all over again. Boy, was that an uncomfortable ride.

But if a girl wanted to go to Boy Scout camp, I’m sure no one would complain. What a double standard . . .

Justin Hook, a junior in the College of Communication and College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at jbhook@bu.edu.