HOOK: Spring: the most wonderful time of the year

Spring is in the air at Boston University — birds are chirping, flowers are blooming and the campus smells like cow manure. As studying for exams becomes more and more difficult, and my papers become more and more reminiscent of the Wikipedia articles from which they’re derived, I find myself taking more and more “study breaks” — by which I of course mean sitting inside and watching TV. Though I don’t have cable or an antenna, per se, I do have a treasure trove of glorious VHS tapes just waiting to be watched and rewatched until Beauty and the Beast starts to look more like an animated Salvador Dali painting.

After I finished watching all the tapes of my sister’s softball practices and my brother’s ballet recitals, I noticed one last tape sitting in the bottom of the barrel: a cracked and battered VHS tape labeled in my father’s youthful scrawl, “Christmas Specials.” It was recorded from TV at some point in the mid ’80s, back when Reagan was in the White House, Rubik’s Cubes were all the rage and Michael Jackson was topping the charts. God, what an awful time to be alive.

Usually I loved watching Christmas specials from Marathon Monday all the way to Guy Fawkes Day, but somehow this year the tape wasn’t quite doing it for me. As a television major, I couldn’t help but critically analyze each special, ultimately coming to the conclusion that they are, well, awful. The production is bad, the writing is bad, the morals are bad — honestly the only really good thing about any of them is the music. Fortunately, these specials weren’t made in the ’80s.

So I decided to save you some time come next holiday season by letting you know which of the traditional holiday favorites are worth a warped and warbled re-viewing and which ones you should pass over like the blood of a freshly slaughtered spring lamb.

A Charlie Brown Christmas is the ultimate holiday favorite, and it also happens to prove my point exactly. Vince Guaraldi’s jazz-trio soundtrack contains some of the best Christmas songs of all time, but aside from that, this special is a wreck. The animation is completely 2-D, the characters sound like they were voiced by children — and I don’t knew who’s responsible for drawing that so-called “beagle,” but I’ve seen beagles, and senator, that is no beagle. They can’t imitate penguins half that well in real life. Totally unrealistic.

Beagle missteps aside, has anyone ever considered the plot and thought, “Yes, that makes sense”? Conflict: Charlie Brown opposes the commercialization of Christmas. He buys a small pine tree for the play he’s directing, and everyone hates it. Resolution: His friends cover his tree with store-bought trinkets and sing a Christmas carol. In the original version, the episode ends with this now classic line: “Merry Christmas from the people in your town who bottle Coca-Cola.” This is how we solve the problem of commercialization? Good grief.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer may be the worst offender of all. Its creepy animation makes The Nightmare Before Christmas look like The Care Bears’ Journey to Joke-a-Lot by comparison, and its morals are reprehensible at best. Rudolph is sad that no one will talk to him because he’s different — he’s got a light-up nose. He tries to hide it to no avail. Come Christmas, Santa realizes it’s too foggy to see, so he begs Rudolph to come back so he can take advantage of his freakish nose. Moral of the story: People’s differences are only “special” if they have some kind of practical utility to others. Hey, you in the wheelchair — I’ll be your friend if you give me a ride over this puddle!

Miracle On 34th Street — because nothing says Christmas like a courtroom drama. It begins when the drunkard playing Santa at the local department store is replaced by a man who is, by all accounts, insane. The insane Santa is convicted of assault and thrown into a mental asylum. A lawyer argues he really is Santa, which is enough to convince a little girl, who was bitter about Christmas until she found out Santa was real. Moral of the story: Christmas isn’t about gifts or commercialism, but if Santa, bringer of gifts, is in fact phony, then Christmas is a sham. I want to meet a crazy person who actually thinks he is Santa, because I’m pretty sure he would be the only one who finds this story inspiring. He or she, I mean. Sorry — didn’t mean to leave women out.

If you’re thinking now, “Thanks for ruining all my favorite Christmas specials,” have no fear, bitter-and-sarcastic-inner-dialog guy! There are two specials that pass the test:

A Christmas Carol is delightful in any variety of flavors. My top three are Mickey, Muppet and George C. Scott. I especially like Mickey’s Christmas Carol. Scrooge playing Scrooge? Brilliant! But be warned — seeing Mickey Mouse cry as he stands over the grave of his young son is more than my manly demeanor can handle, even if it is only a premonition. Thankfully, mice don’t actually have feelings — they feel no pain at all. Otherwise, this Christmas special would be the least of my problems.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is probably the best Christmas special ever made. What did you think would happen when you get Chuck Jones, Dr. Seuss and Boris Karloff in a room together? The message is good — Christmas is about togetherness. The production is cheap but quaint. The music is top-notch and often hilarious. Anyone who disagrees is most likely a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce. Just stay away from the Jim Carey version, which will make you wish someone really had stolen Christmas this year — or at least your Blockbuster card.

Stay tuned for next week’s column to find out which is my least favorite of the Kwanzaa and other non-traditional holiday specials.

(Hint: The answer is all of them.)

Justin Hook, a junior in the College of Communication and College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at jbhook@bu.edu.