FADEM: Coaching options

I’m a little offended. Come on ‘-‘- I went to every single home game this past season, even over break. I attended four games away from the BU campus. I even figured out ways to watch five of the road games on the Internet ‘-‘- legally and illegally.

So, how come Athletic Director Mike Lynch hasn’t asked me for my input on the hiring of the next BU men’s basketball coach?

Now, I know the AD must have a lot on his plate right now ‘-‘- dealing with multi-million dollar firings and hirings and now having to figure out logistics for the men’s hockey team’s journey to D.C.

That said, I’m going to give you and Lynch 10 potential hires. These potential coaches don’t always fit the mold of a ‘great basketball coach,’ or even someone associated with basketball, but they certainly fit the mold of someone who could bring people to the seats. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what the program needs?

1) Bob Knight ‘-‘- this one is pretty obvious. Knight is currently seen on ESPN as a college basketball analyst. You’ll never see him in a tie, unlike some of the other talking heads that don’t know what the hell they’re saying (Digger). Knight, on the other hand, knows college basketball like I know condiments. He sits at 902 wins, so all he would need is 98 more for 1,000 ‘-‘- that’s like four, maybe five seasons in The Hub. The only thing I fear is the fear that some of the players on the team might have of him when he threatens to strangle them and their families during practice for poorly executed screens.

2) Pat Summit ‘-‘- everyone’s waiting for a female coach to make the jump to men’s basketball. Everyone also suspects it’ll be Pat Summit. Let’s have BU make history by signing a lady to a multi-million dollar coaching contract. If she’s asking for too much, just go with Kelly Greenberg ‘-‘- she could make the jump.

3) Jack Parker ‘-‘- similar to a woman jumping to men’s ball, everyone is also waiting for a hockey coach to show off some versatility and jump to basketball. Parker has proven that he knows how to coach hockey. Time for basketball!

4) Bill Clinton ‘-‘- ‘Bubba’ likes basketball. And I can guarantee you his bracket looks better than Obama’s does. Why not bring in Bill, who’s been out of work for a while, assuming the role of first man for his wife with the occasional solo sax session ‘-‘- something he can’t possibly enjoy. The only condition he’d probably ask for if named head coach is bringing in Al Gore as an assistant. I’m okay with that.

5) Samuel L. Jackson ‘-‘- you might question this option. I have little hesitation. Although in most movies Samuel plays a bad-ass black man who likes to curse and kill people, let’s not forget he did play a touching role as a basketball coach in ‘Coach Carter’ ‘-‘- he has experience and enough money, so you probably won’t need to pay him too much.

6) Joaquin Phoenix ‘- he has gone crazy. Or he’s just a really good actor. The bottom line is Phoenix went from being a great Johnny Cash to a semi-alright white rapper. His publicists clearly haven’t been helping him make proper career choices, so it’s time for a complete lifestyle change. Get him some basketball coaching classes and get him on that court. He’s sure to draw national coverage with his antics.

7) Bob Saget ‘-‘- anything Bob Saget touches turns to gold. Think about it ‘-‘- ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos,’ ‘Full House’ and, at times, ‘Dumb and Dumberer.’ He’s a dirty, dirty comic, but I’d bet he would make a great, dirty coach.

8) BU Jesus ‘-‘- little known fact: as a coach for my intramural basketball team, Jesus went 3-1 on the regular season and 0-1 in the playoffs. Statistically speaking, that’s the same record Wolff had when he began his career at BU. Jesus may be young, but he’s been known around the intramural circuit as a prodigy. But then again, what do the intramural people know about anything?

9) Tall people ‘-‘- to me, there’s something very funny about humans above seven feet tall. Now, I would laugh the entire game if BU could bring in someone like Dikembe Mutombo or Manute Bol or even Gheorghe Mure?an. Although their English may not be the best, they’re sure to provide laughter for everyone in attendance.

10) Matt Wolff ‘-‘- if BU gets really desperate and doesn’t know what to do, they can always call upon the former coach’s son. Just make sure he doesn’t hire his father as an assistant.

There’s a brief list. And hey, if nothing’s working out, we can always bring back DW for another go-around. Right?