How to talk to a Red Sox fan (if you must)

Ah, opening day! The smell of Fenway Franks grilling on Yawkey Way, the crack of the bat and whatever else happens at a baseball game. I don’t know what that is since I’ve never actually been to one, and I’ve certainly never watched nine innings start to finish on TV. I’d rather catch a curve ball with my face than listen to the Sox’ every play described on the radio.

But in Boston, it simply isn’t acceptable to write off baseball’s finer points. Here, baseball is like religion. Apathy about the Red Sox Nation amounts to apostasy, and to prevent a season-long schism with your closest friends, sometimes you’ve just got to learn the liturgy. Learning how to talk the talk can prevent a social strike-out and guarantee invites to ball-game viewing gatherings, where you can show off your apparently vast knowledge of all things Red Sox. And drink.

Know your home turf: Though you may not root for the old home team, baseball aficionados usually want to know about your home field. Coming from Buffalo means I need only tell someone the Bisons are a farm team affiliated with the New York Mets to hit the conversation into the outfield. I can freely fabricate childhood ball games once I’ve confirmed my conversationalist isn’t a Triple-A fan.

Know the basic vocabulary: Not knowing the Red Sox home opener is not necessarily the season opener cost me an embarrassing correction while copyediting for my college newspaper, the offices of which are located about three Jon Lester pitches away from Fenway.

While it does not sound like an athletic achievement to get a ‘walk,’ the act of recognizing four ‘balls’ ‘- bad pitches outside the ‘strike zone’ ‘- and getting a free pass to first base requires some judgment on the hitter’s part. Baseball play appellations are remarkably intuitive. You hardly need to ponder what a ‘grounder’ is. A half-hour spent clicking through Wikipedia or a Q&A with a sympathetic friend about baseball lingo can prevent most slip-ups.

Know a few key players: The great thing about professional sports is that you can pick up on the game-changing players just by shopping or taking the T. Corporate endorsements are ubiquitous, and posters plastered to the sides of buses advertising David Ortiz’s favorite Vitamin Water flavor make it difficult not to know who the season’s stars are.

A word of caution: only talk about players in an indefinite tense. Baseball management trades baseball players like, well, baseball cards. Suggesting Manny Ramirez is still rounding bases for the Olde Towne Team is an instant strike out. Keep tense relationships ambiguous, and no one will figure out the most recent player you can name is Ted Williams. Extra innings for knowing about rivals and calling out A-Rod as an A-hole; Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Chase Utley can be discussed in terms of dream-boat appearance and athletic prowess.

Know the culture: Memorizing the words to ‘Sweet Caroline’ is far more interesting than studying the roster’s RBIs. History holds many Sox secrets, tidbits that balls-and-bats fans love but may neglect. A visit to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum provides a few pieces of trivia about the art patroness’s love for baseball in the early years of the game. The plot to throw the 1919 World Series was hatched in a Kenmore Square hotel, even though it didn’t involve the Red Sox. If you’re ever reaching for conversational cues, remind everyone Fidel Castro would have rather stolen bases than taken control of Cuba. If celebrity marriages are your window to the world, Daisuke Matsuzaka’s wife Tomoyo Shibata is as exotic and glamorous as Tom Brady’s arm candy.

Additionally, feigning an interest in Boston baseball will probably require you to buy some piece of clothing emblazoned with a ‘B,’ though the benefit for feckless fashionistas is that nearly all outfits are excusable if they double as a uniform for the Sox national militia.

Use baseball metaphors: Half the fun of baseball is its colorful argot. Sprinkle metaphors liberally into your everyday speech. Say odd-ball friends are out in left field. Describe sexual encounters in terms of bases. Above all, speak with confidence, and after your opening pitch, you’ll be ready for a small-talk home run.

Get excited: The accoutrements of baseball are more riveting than the game. Hot dogs, beer, rioting in Kenmore Square: There’s something for everyone. Whenever anyone mentions baseball, respond with, ‘Baseball? I love baseball!’

Because of this faux esprit de corps, close college friends think I do love baseball. I occasionally wonder what happens under the bright lights next to the Pike, but if I ever do find out, chances are I’ll never shut up about it and end up alienating half my friends for half the year.