Columns, Opinion

FORSTER, GLANDER AND SAUER: Fat, cats and The MBTA

Dear Nancies,

I’m already starting to gain the dreaded freshman 15. Do you have any tips to help me keep my weight down so I don’t end up a freshman fatty?

Sincerely,

Booty Meat

Dear Mlle. Booty,

Collectively, the three of us lost 200 pounds during our freshman year, thanks to what we call The Nancy Regimen. It’s a lifestyle you’ll have to work yourself into, but you’ll find that a human body can function marvelously even without four bowls of Lucky Charms every morning. But, Booty Meat, put the dining hall aside for a moment; the real secret to weight loss is saying ‘no’ to all the other edibles you’ll find around campus ‘- avoid the siren call of Commonwealth Avenue’s free energy drinks, individually wrapped granola bars and Save the Children binders.

The most important secret to The Nancy Regimen is to remember to pace yourself when you eat your print quota ‘- you can burn through those 100 sheets of paper in just a few days if you’re not careful (we probably don’t have to tell you this, but only eat blank pages. Printer ink is just empty calories.) As they say in the army, ‘Be all you can be, as long as you’re supermodel thin.’

Diligently,

The Nancies

Dear Nancies

I’ve been left high and dry by the T five times this week. The schedule seems completely unreliable. Are there any guidelines to the system at all or should I start using a scooter?

Thanks,

T’d Off?

Dear T’d,

The T does have a schedule, stored somewhere in a chest below the Hyatt Hotel beneath Martin Luther King, Jr.’s tomb, but years have passed since it’s seen the light of day ‘- 380 to be exact. Legend has it that originally the MBTA denoted a schedule of eight-minute increments between starts during a 19-hour operation period from 5 a.m. to 12 a.m. (back when days were 22 hours long), harnessing a horse-driven armada of ten omnibuses. For every second omnibus, a Native American would be sent on what colonists would call an ‘express run.’ Although meant to be a buffer for fluctuating omnibus speeds, an express vehicle like Little From-Here-To-There would carry a passenger on his back as needed. The Native Americans were often executed come midnight, hence the three-hour off period. The system seemed flawless, prized throughout the region with zeal comparable only to paroxysms of bliss surrounding the Salem Witch Trials. However, the two suffered similar fates: confusion, loose screws and the disappearance of the system’s scapegoat (witches and express runs, respectively). The colonists promptly buried the schedule under the Hyatt ziggurat, forgotten forever by most. A select few kept the memory of ‘The Schedule’ alive by oral tradition. They called themselves the MBTA. In 1964, the group brought it back to the public. But the MBTA, to preserve its secrecy, developed a language similar to English yet audibly unintelligible and spoken only through the train’s loudspeaker, making ‘The Schedule’ a mystery to most passengers. Conspiracy and deceit abound in this shady history, young passionate traveler.?And yet, scooters seem pass’eacute;. We recommend a Segway.

Exuberantly,

The Nancies

Dear Nancies,

I just moved in with my roommates who are just like me. Things were fine until they brought up the idea of adopting a cat. They’re all gung-ho about it, whereas I can’t see why they would want a cat to make our apartment more of a mess. Please help me find some way to level with them.

Sincerely,

Pet Peeved

?

Dear Peeved,

According to the Princeton Review’s Top 20 Topics for Roommate Disputes, ‘choice of pet’ ranks seventh, between ‘conflicting friend groups’ and ‘cockblocking,’ so you are certainly not alone in your dwelling distress. The desire for pet ownership among college students has also risen thanks to the heartwarming pet store scene in ‘Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.’ With laissez-faire landlords allowing anything to live in their buildings and Taj Majal-shaped terrariums on sale at Urban Renewals, watching Jim Carrey revive that iguana makes it much too tempting to strut over to the nearest animal shelter and adopt a spotted ferret. But your integrity isn’t swayed so easily, is it? You have the foresight to see that a litter box in an apartment building would be nothing but another excuse to call your place a crap house. You know that the cleanliness of a cat is as much of an urban myth as ResLife room service. You’re not charmed by the enthralling gaze of a calico kitten, or persuaded by the performance of ‘Memories,’ and you root for Fievel and his team in ‘An American Tail.’ From the qualities that we have inferred about your personality, we realize you’re a dog person, so get one of those.

Abominably,

The Nancies.?

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