Columnists, NCAA, Sports

McCARTHY: The world of college sports: A satire

Seeing as how the semester is rapidly approaching the zero hour, leaving minimal time for me to address all that is marginally interesting about college sports, I figured I would change things up a little bit. In doing so, instead of focusing on one borderline mundane topic, I’m going to briefly touch on various subjects that are equal parts humorous, annoying and probably ultimately meaningless to everyone but myself. So, bear with me.

In regards to the tragedy at Yale two weekends ago, my heart goes out to the victim’s friends and family. That being said, as the UHaul involved in the crash was transporting kegs to a tailgate, there is talk of reigning in the drinking that goes on at “The Game” every year. However, the driver was sober, and by all accounts alcohol did not contribute to the crash. That being the case, I can’t help but think that this is a slight overreaction on the part of Yale University officials. If said truck contained lobster tails and sweater vests, would they also cease to hold functions at the Yale Club? I think not.

The U.S. Board of Education said Penn State might have violated a federal law known as The Clery Act, when they failed to report the claims against former coach Jerry Sandusky. According to pundits, this may be the loophole that will allow the government to prosecute the university for its involvement in the child abuse scandal. Really? It’s going to take an obscure educational law to hold the administration accountable for harboring a child rapist for twenty years? Really?

Speaking of Sandusky, for those of you that don’t know – he began his coaching career as an offensive line coach here at BU. Now, if someone feels the need to bring this to your attention, my advice is to respond by saying – “that’s impossible, BU doesn’t even have a football program, you must be mistaken,” and then quickly changing the subject. You know, sort of how Austrians handle the whole Hitler-was-actually-from-Austria situation.

You would think, given the supposedly overall good nature of people, that the number of child sex scandals would be limited to one per news cycle. Unfortunately, in light of allegations that Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine molested three different former ball boys, this is clearly not the case. Making matters somehow even more unfathomable, it has also been alleged that Fine’s wife had a separate affair with one of the victims when he was 17. Seriously? I’m not entirely optimistic about the direction of our society at this point.

Miracle was on TV last week. While reliving the pinnacle of American superiority, I was reminded yet again that BU greats Mike Eruzione, Jim Craig, Dave Silk and Jack O’Callahan were integral parts of that team. Which brings me to the following point:  Sylvester Stallone was in a movie about a fictional boxer with a speech impediment, and there is now a statue of him in downtown Philadelphia. The 1980 Olympic hockey team literally helped win the Cold War, and BU can’t retire the numbers of the gold medal-winning Terriers? Come on.

Last week, Eddie Sutton claimed (yet again) that the 1989 scandal that nearly brought down the University of Kentucky basketball program was a set up. In regards to the cash laden package that opened en route to recruit Chris Mills, he said, “who would send money like that? And an overnight package somehow opens up? You need a crowbar to open those things.” My thoughts exactly, Coach. That is not only extremely brazen, but also a totally ridiculous chain of events. Unfortunately, so is spending the night matching liquor with oxycodone, getting behind the wheel with a blood-alcohol content three-times the legal limit and then rear ending another car at 60 mph. You know, kind of like what you did on Feb. 10, 2006. You’re hardly the arbiter of good decisions.

Less than one year ago, University of Florida football coach Urban Meyer abruptly announced that he was retiring from football for one simple reason – to spend more time with his family. At the time, he was universally admired for his selflessness. Yesterday, Ohio State University announced that Meyer was its new head coach. Which leads one to believe one of two things about Meyer: either he lied to the entire sports world, or he simply does not love his family. Whatever the immoral reality, God has made clear what his punishment shall be – a lifetime in the state of Ohio. Rest in peace, sinner.

According to Deadspin, Diddy’s son Justin Combs has committed to the University of California, Los Angeles for football. He claims the decision was an easy one because his “love for UCLA is so strong.” Or, in other words, “I’m the famous son of a media mogul, I need access to bottle service, and I wasn’t good enough to get an offer from the University of Southern California.”

That’s it, that’s all folks. I would like to say that I hope you got something out of this fresh approach to the column, but at the end of the day this was always about expanding my portfolio. Sorry, I’m nothing if not honest. That being said, good luck on finals. I’d offer to help with your papers, but as you know by now, I’m a mediocre writer at best.

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