Hello, friends. My name is Vincent Saponari. Perhaps you have heard my name referenced in previous conversation? I attended your institution of higher learning for two years, before men’s hockey head coach Jack Parker politely asked me to leave at the end of the 2009-2010 academic year. He determined my talents would be better served at another institution of higher learning, one that could better appreciate my tastes.
Well, friends, I am here today to tell you I have found that institution of higher learning, and I am overjoyed to inform you that it is located close by. Next fall, I will be joining my classmates at Northeastern University, where I will be better able to pursue my interests.
It really is a win-win for all parties involved. Northeastern should be thrilled they are getting such a good leader, as Ryan S. Clark of the Fargo-Moorhead Forum recently referenced on his blog, Slightly Chilled. I am thrilled to return to the city of Boston, a place I love with all my heart.
What specifically are these interests, you ask? Well, to begin with, I am a composer of music better than any troubadour who has walked the face of this fine Earth. You may have listened to the soft tones of my crowning achievement, “Party Like A Puck Star,” which I released last year.
The ballad features the vocal accompaniment of my confidant and former teammate, Corey Trivino, with whom I have not conversed in months. Any time I attempt to engage him in the art of conversation, he quickly claims he has to go to practice. I ask you, how many practices can one team have? Surely, it cannot be much more than an average of 10 per day? And who has so many practices every day of the week, including Sunday?
But I digress. We were discussing my musical achievements. Mr. Trivino (I have begun referring to my friends and acquaintances by their last name, proceeded by the proper honorific, in a manner similar to what you would find on the pages of The New York Times. I believe it is a sign of my respect for them. They claim to find it “creepy.” I respectfully disagree. Again, I digress) and I spent hundreds of seconds in a specially constructed dorm room recording studio preparing what would become a masterpiece.
We carefully selected each and every word to ensure the lyrics collectively conveyed a message which is both uplifting and inspiring. I find the vocals to be incredibly powerful, and delivered with the type of nuance the average caroler simply cannot fathom. In my mind, “Party Like a Puck Star” will forever live on in the canon, alongside the works of such equally great composers as Sebastian Bach, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Ludwig van Beethoven. In fact, I believe it is even better than any of those composers’ lifetime compositions.
Additionally, I have a knowledge of fine drinks described as “astounding” by Mr. Trivino, my brother Victor and another one of our friends, Adam Kraus. I even know all of the public houses where such fine drinks can be consumed in your neighborhood, Allston. The evenings before we engaged in our favorite recreational activity, hockey, we used to frequent these establishments and test my knowledge. I can assure you that was both entertaining and informative!
My third major passion, friends, is a unique distaste for riding bicycles. I cannot stand the contraptions. In fact, Mr. Trivino and I both chose not to wake up for a bicycle ride with Mr. Parker and some of his friends last year because we hate bicycles so much. I stand beside both drivers and pedestrians who have become angered as cyclists try to invade our sidewalks and roadways. Fight back, drivers and pedestrians! I will remain with you as always; challenging the power of the evil two-wheeler.
As I alluded to multiple times in the preceding paragraphs, I occasionally partake in the sport of hockey. Today, I find it to be little more than a hobby, though a hobby at which I must admit I am quite good.
In fact, hockey is the main reason I am interested in Northeastern and Northeastern is interested in me. I find this to be a pity, because I have so many other talents that are a better use of my time than simple sport. This is child’s play, I say, not the great intellectual debate in which I aspire to participate!
Anyway, hockey is the reason I will be attending the fabulous Northeastern University in the fall. As they have recently lost four of their best forwards and possibly their coach, Greg Cronin, to the professional ranks, I feel it is my duty to give back to the university.
I wish to thank them for this opportunity. To those of you who believe my actions are for the sole purpose of infuriating and seeking revenge against Mr. Parker, I respectfully disagree. I love the city of Boston, and I think I am the perfect fit to bolster the Northeastern program.
I also wish to thank you, friends at Boston University. For two years, you provided a place for me to grow, despite the fact that Mr. Parker found me to be unbecoming of your great university. I was humbled by the opportunity, and cannot wait to see you in the stands at Agganis Arena next year. I hope you will treat me with the same respect I intend to treat you.
Thank you for your time.
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