KAWACHI: Restlessness

I find myself constantly battling with an inner contradiction.

I like order. I like to plan things in advance. I have to constantly know of what my day will consist of. That’s obviously unrealistic — I can’t predict every outside force that affects me each day. But as much as I can discover or plan, I do. With this goes my desire for, and often reliance on, a routine. I’ve often discussed this with my roommate. With her class schedule in the College of General Studies, her classes aren’t at the same times every day. Depending on the day of the week, she has class until 3 p.m., 5 p.m. or noon. It’s constantly varied.

Me, on the other hand? My class schedule this semester is perfectly symmetric. Seriously. Mondays and Fridays are identical, as are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wednesday is on its own. This schedule was completely intentional — it was kind of OCD. I even try to get meals at certain times on certain days or plan specific days that I either sit at Einstein’s between classes or retreat to my room for a quick break. Writing this all out now makes me think this might be an unhealthy obsession I have…

But, while I have this odd and probably unnecessary need of certainty, I dream of great unknowns. While I like feeling settled into a life of routine and consistency, I ache for something more — for adventure of uncharted proportions. I have an insatiable gnawing at my chest for a wild experience. I often entertain lofty daydreams of leaving everything behind and jetting off somewhere, to just gather up all the money I have and take a bus or a plane to anywhere. Every time I’m in an airport going home to San Diego or coming here to Boston, I look at the other destinations and the wild side of me dreams up crazy ideas. That tiny devil on my shoulder tries to convince me of an opportunity, but my rational half always wins, of course, reminding me of my obligations.

Besides, I would greatly fear the retribution of my parents. But that feeling of wanting to escape for a while, it never really leaves. It’s always there in the back of mind, even while I go about my days in organization. I see pictures of places all over the world and I long to explore them. As I study artworks in my art history class, I yearn to see them in person, in museums and galleries in faraway countries.

I know that one day, I’ll make those dreams a reality. I don’t know exactly when, sadly, although I do have many faintly thrown together plans. But it’s a constant battle within me — the routine and the restlessness. And I don’t know how I’ll actually reconcile the two parts of me in the future, but I like to think I can overcome one with the other for a small portion of my life, at least.

Krissen Kawachi is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences and a weekley columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at kkawachi@bu.edu.