Fish And Chipps: The Mediocre Athlete’s Guide to Pickup Basketball

If you call yourself a basketball fan at all, then you’ve definitely played a game or two of pickup basketball. Without even knowing it, whether it was at recess or with your bunkmates at Jewish summer camp, you probably met basketball through pickup. While sports have become extremely gentrified over the years, it feels like pickup basketball has stayed true to its core.

Think about it. In what other sporting event can you still roll up by yourself, find four random people and go head-to-head against five other players you’ve probably never met before?

In what other sport can you show up to the blacktop or gym on a random Tuesday night and know you’re going to find nine other people who just want to play some basketball because they love the game?

In what other sporting event can you go head-to-head against someone like it’s Game 7 of the NBA Finals, hate that person’s guts when he makes you look silly and then show him love after the game like it never happened?

On the surface, there’s no glory in playing pickup basketball, but for the pickup aficionados and enthusiasts like myself and many others there is an “art” to this game and there is proper etiquette on the floor.

So once and for all, I’d like to address the elephant in the room and give all of you mediocre athletes out there the perfect guide to playing pickup basketball.

Rule 1: Introduce yourself

This sounds stupid, but it’s so true. When you walk onto the court, introduce yourself and don’t be a stranger. No one likes that awkward kid who just hangs around the basket and doesn’t talk to the rest of the ballers waiting to play. Say hello, talk some basketball and show off your pickup personality.

Example: “A lot of people say my game is very similar to Manu Ginobili’s. Let’s hope my shot looks good tonight.”

Rule 2: Give the man his lay-up

There’s a lot of different “house rules” with pickup, but one commonality I’ve noticed in my years is the lay-up. It’s an unwritten rule that when you grab a rebound off a missed shot before games, you give the person his or her layup before you start shooting. Too often, I see players blatantly bypass that rule and it drives me nuts. Be a good baller and respect the court by giving the shooter his or her layup. Seriously, don’t think you’re above the game because you’re not.

Rule 3: Don’t be the tallest player on your team

For all of you players like myself between 5-foot-6 and 5-foot-9, DO NOT walk on the court as the tallest player on your squad. At every level, size matters in basketball, but I would argue never more so than in a game of pickup. This is sad but true: one time I was the tallest player on our team and we lost 11-0 and it took less than five minutes (no joke).

That’s because you need someone to feed the ball to on the post and for us shorter ballers, we need big men to clear out space for us to hit 3-pointers. So do yourself a favor, go make friends with the awkwardly tall guy in the corner and ask him to join your squad. You’ll thank him later.

Rule 4: Respect the House Rules

I don’t always agree with the court rules, but it doesn’t matter: respect them. If they play to 15 straight through, don’t try and change it. If they count every shot as one point, accept it and move on. Someone probably spent way too much time and effort establishing and implementing the house rules, so if you think you’re going to show up and change everything, think again.

Rule 5: Don’t call fouls

A foul’s a foul, but don’t call fouls. This isn’t your grandmother’s mahjong league, this is pickup. One of the few qualms I have with pickup is how often players call fouls for a little bump or slight contact after the shot. It was after the shot! This isn’t the NBA and you’re not LeBron James. This is pickup and you don’t call fouls unless you were legitimately tackled to the ground. You earn the right to call fouls, so even if you got tapped on the wrist as you missed an open layup, don’t call the foul — just make the layup.

Rule 6: If you talk the talk, you better walk the walk

As you walk onto the court, you’ll notice one or two players berating their opposing defender for that sick crossover move they just made. Pickup is all about chirping, and while it’s a huge part of the pickup culture, chirp at your own risk. I respect players who have swag, but you better be able to back it up on the court. There’s nothing more embarrassing than a player who’s all talk but no game. If you don’t know where you stand, just keep your mouth shut and play the game.

Rule 7: Respect your elders

If you play a lot of pickup, you’ll definitely match up against or play with someone twice your age. In pickup slang, we call him or her “The Professor.” Don’t underestimate the old guy or get cocky thinking you have a mismatch because your defender has a nice bald spot. You may have the youth, speed and agility, but “The Professor” has the experience, craftiness and wisdom to make you look silly. I love teaming up with older players because they understand the game so well and oftentimes go to school on the young, cocky kids. So if you see a player rocking a 1979 Billy Joel T-shirt, respect the legend and tread lightly.

Rule 8: Play defense

If you have particular skill set like myself (aka you’re a shooter), listen up. You’re going to miss shots, and you’ll probably miss a lot of them. When you do miss your fifth shot, don’t cry about it and sulk in despair — get over it and get back on defense. I love/hate it when players miss a shot and scream at the rim like the rim did something wrong. “Why’d you have to do me like that, rim?!” No bro, you just missed the shot. Forget about it and move on. Let’s be real here, we’re not talking about practice; we’re talking about the game. So play the game.

Rule 9: Be a team player

Now remember, you’re probably a mediocre basketball player, so it’s highly unlikely you’ll be the go-to scorer on your team. But just because you’re not the point guard doesn’t mean you can’t be a team player. Set the picks, make the extra pass and give your teammate some props if he or she makes a nice shot. Being a good teammate goes a long way in pickup, and regulars quickly catch on to players who care more about winning than personal glory. And let’s be real here, there’s no glory in pickup anyways.

Rule 10: Spread the love

You’ll grind through a lot of tough games, and more often than not you’ll be on the losing side of those games. When your man splashes the game winning 3-pointer over you — which happens quite often to me — show the man some love and give him a proper dap. Pickup is all about the love, and there’s nothing better than when the two teams acknowledge each other’s efforts after a hard-fought game. If you shot 0-for-10, it’s all good, brother. Pickup isn’t about the stats. We all came here to play basketball and forget about that 10-page paper due tomorrow anyways. Spread the love to everyone.

Rule 11: Treat the game well and it will treat you well

Finally, we saved the best for last. Basketball is a beautiful game that has brought me so many great memories over the years. I remember back at Jewish summer camp my friends and I would spend hours on the blacktop shooting hoops and playing pickup, and they’re some of the finest memories I have.

Someone once said to me, “Treat the game like a lady.” At first, I didn’t understand the reference, but over the years I’ve come full circle with that phrase. Basketball is a game that has such a rich history and pickup epitomizes all of the best parts of basketball. If you treat the game well, respect the history and the culture of pickup, the game will return the favor and provide you with some awesome memories and most importantly, some great pickup basketball.