Waiting to exhale

“That was AMAZING!”

I was gasping for air — three words were all I could manage in my breathless euphoria. My limbs were still shaking — quivering from the sheer intensity of 43 minutes and 36 seconds of sheer bliss. I was glowing and felt like belting out “I’ve had the time of my life” Jennifer Gray-style. It didn’t seem possible that people could experience this every single day of their lives and NOT die of happiness.

I gazed adoringly at the exhausted-looking, slightly-rumpled, sexy person sitting next to me and said in a sultry, breathless voice:

“Pumpkin, I know you’re tired, but … ummm … want to do it again?”

“No”

“We could do it any way you want — like starting at the top and wandering down.”

“No.”

“Fine, I’ll do it myself.”

“Fine. I’m going to take a nap. Don’t scream so loud this time. And don’t drool, that’s gross. And don’t call me pumpkin.”

So, I went it alone.

Once again, it was a totally mind-blowing experience. This time, I took pictures (I’m thinking of posting them on my website.)

Because there wasn’t another person to worry about entertaining, I was able to pay attention to the areas that stimulate me the most.

The second time is better. The third is insane. And each time after that, it gets better and better. It doesn’t matter who I’m with. I’ve done it alone, and I’ve done it with most of the boy’s cross country team, and I’ve done it with my little sister, and I’ve done it with three or four guys, who live on my floor, and I’ve done it with a couple of girls from my Shakespeare class.

I can’t seem to get enough of it.

Maybe I’m addicted. I want to do it every hour of the day — or night. Sometimes I’ll be lounging around my room, and I’ll want to do it right then and there. Occasionally, my roommate will join me.

I guess I just love the newness of it. It has changed the way I envision my entire college experience.

I mean, who can resist the excitement that is the Student Village? And who wouldn’t want to spend every waking hour visiting it, especially after finding out that she will be living there next semester?

I guess I’ve become kind of obsessed with visiting my future home. But the full-service kitchens, the state- of-the-art gym, complete with a fleet of elliptical trainers, and that cute, little, drastically overpriced marketplace are so exciting.

Currently, I live in the Myles Annex. The Annex was best described in five words by my friend Jay, who termed it “the place that God forgot.” Seriously, the place makes Warren look like the Four Seasons. My room is about as luxurious as a prison cell — complete with bunk-beds, cinder blocks and a picturesque view of a brick wall. The elevator doesn’t work. Few people know that the Annex exists, and those who do can never find it (although the rumors are unconfirmed, I’ve heard that a pack of students got lost trying to find the Annex and died in the basement because, tragically — they ran out of Evian and couldn’t get any reception on their cell phones to call for help). And the heating system is very temperamental — the work-study students, who are shackled in the basement shoveling coal, probably don’t care whether we freeze to death or not.

Next semester, however, I will be living in style as one of Silber’s “chosen ones” in the Student Village. All it took was a little persuasion. Okay, it was more than a little persuasion.

First, I had to convince my parents to pay for it. So I blackmailed them. That is, I simply reminded them that I am their eldest, beloved daughter. Moreover, I am the one, who in the near future, would have the power of attorney over whether to pull the plug on their respirators in whatever second-rate nursing home in Siberia that I decide to ship them off to.

Then, I had to persuade some poor bastard to pull me into the oh-so-opulent Village. After singing my name in blood in a contractual agreement promising never to use her as column fodder AND swearing, despite my protests that I clean more efficiently when I am completely naked, to keep my clothes on when I do the dishes and mop the floor. However, I decided that this was a small price to pay in order to be able to live in that heavenly abode that is the Student Village.

So, two weeks ago, I convinced her to pull me in. Not only do I now have a permanent smile on my face, but also, I have become strangely addicted to the Village experience. The Student Village website has been elevated to an esteemed position on my “favorites” list, right next to Napster. Moreover, I have become a permanent fixture in the Village itself — much like those potted ferns. Until security sends me back to the on-the-verge-of-being-condemned Myles Annex, I plan on hanging around for awhile.