Baseball must be one hell of a game. It treats us so bad and we keep coming back for more. No matter how hard Bud Selig, Donald Fehr and the rest of the clowns in baseball try, they can’t destroy the game or get rid of the fans. No matter what they do, we keep coming back, like Sergei Federov to Anna Kournikova, for a little more mental anguish.
Therefore, any fan can make a baseball preview. Everyone has a different team and a different “can’t miss” prospect. SI, ESPN and every possible media outlet from New York to Boise has a baseball preview. But, just for the sake of tradition, I’ll take the A’s over the Cardinals in a close World Series.
Even more important than the predictions is locating what the interesting baseball stories will be for the upcoming year. Last year, the White Sox, A’s, and little Timo Perez came out of nowhere to surprise baseball. This year will have its share of intriguing moments.
The Red Sox will go 32-130. Pedro will go 30-1 with an ERA of 0.00. His lone loss will occur in July, following a walk, a passed ball and an error by Carl Everett. After the loss, Everett will become incensed at constant media questioning and will once again question the sexual orientation of various Boston Globe reporters. Bret Saberhagen will pick up one win, as will David Cone. Cone will win his game in August, lowering his ERA to 12.99. After the game, Cone will proclaim himself ready for free agency.
Derek Jeter will have a strange year. After he leads the Yankees to a season sweep over the hapless Rangers, his “best friend” Alex Rodriguez will attempt to maim him with a batting donut. Rodriguez will blame the media for misinterpreting his actions. After being shown the tape of him bloodying Jeter with the donut, A-Rod insists it was all in good fun.
“You guys don’t understand. That’s a sign of respect between me and Derek,” Rodriguez says.
Jeter, upon being released from the hospital, claims to have no knowledge of this form of medieval respect.
Then, just when it seemed Chuck Knoblauch had conquered his throwing problems, he will nail an unsuspecting Jeter in the back of the head during an important September game. Jeter, who by now is simultaneously dating Jennifer Lopez and all of Destiny’s Child, is knocked unconscious. J-Lo will have her posse threaten Knoblauch from the left field bleachers. Knoblauch, frightened by the posse and the fact that his throwing errors will return, has a mental breakdown. He curls up in a fetal position in left field and begins to cry.
Mark McGwire will spend half the season on the disabled list. The side effects of andro are beginning to show. McGwire mysteriously begins wearing a much larger, looser jersey to fit his new body type.
On July 17, due to Mel Rojas Bobble-head Doll Day, the Expos will reach triple digits in attendance for the first time all year. Vladimir Guerrero will say this is a positive sign for the future of Montreal baseball.
Nomar returns. He goes on to hit .757 over two and a half months, but does not have enough at-bats to qualify for the batting title. He then asks himself, “Why is any man named Nomar? I don’t care what it spells backwards, grown men should not be named Nomar.”
He promptly changes his name to Saul.
All professional baseball in Japan will shut down, since the Mets and Mariners own the rights to all but six players. Desperate to satisfy his desire for international talent, Bobby Valentine imports Omar Shalah from Afghanistan. Shalah flourishes with the Mets. He becomes a cult icon in Afghanistan and leads to the demise of the Taliban. After watching Shalah knock in the winning run to send the Mets to the World Series, the Taliban throw down their guns and weep openly.
John Olerud will realize he does not have to wear his batting helmet while showering.
Inspired by the Penthouse interviews of Pat Burrell and Kris Benson, in which the two discuss their respective sex lives, David Wells and Don Zimmer give similar interviews in Playboy. Bud Selig invokes the “best interests of baseball clause” and has all issues immediately removed from shelves.
Selig says, “It’s really not the visual we want our fans to have when they go to ballpark.”
Like every season, Ken Griffey Jr. will yell at any reporter who has the audacity to criticize him. Griffey will re-injure his hamstring chasing a reporter who questioned his hustle.
After collecting hits in 23 straight at-bats, Paul O’Neill will ground out to end a game. He will break three bats and two water coolers. He will promptly announce his retirement, claiming he is “a disgrace to baseball.” After quickly gathering his things, O’Neill moves to Tibet to find his inner self.
So there you have it — Baseball 2001, the way you won’t see it elsewhere. Remember, when you see Chuck Knoblauch crying on the Yankee Stadium outfield, you heard it here first.
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