Insanity yields Final Four

Two weeks from now, will anybody really remember that Duke won the National Championship game?

Seriously.

The better question is will anybody really care? Probably not, since we’re a mere two weeks away from crowning the Terrier Insanity on Tuesdays Champion.

An initial group of 16 BU athletes, administrators, coaches and fans has now dwindled down to its Final Four. The 1-on-1 basketball games have featured nothing but hard-nosed, buzzer-beating displays of athletic brilliance. I mean, would you expect anything less from the likes of Assistant Athletic Director Alan Weinberger, BU National Anthem singer Barbara Green, BU men’s crew coach Rodney Pratt or Sasquatch? Well, Mary Pratt was one of the World War II softball players in which the movie, “A League of Their Own” was based, and she’s in this tournament, so she must have some skills.

With that said, here are the results. Details on how you can participate are at the end of the column.

No. 12 Sasquatch vs. No. 4 Barbara Green: You had to be at Case Gym for this match to believe the outcome, or rather, the manner in which it was decided. While Anthem-diva Green and Sasquatch were expected to combine for more than 70 points, not a single shot was sunk to crown a winner.

Both competitors arrived at the game in their traditional Tuesday best. Green sported a stunning get-up, similar to Jennifer Lopez’s Academy Awards outfit, while Sasquatch wore Kevin McHale shorts and what many wrongly assumed to be a brown, fuzzy sweater (try not to get a mental image). Before the opening tip-off, BU hockey announcer Jim Prior grabbed the microphone and bellowed, “The people are on the court so let’s play…”

And that’s when it happened. Before Prior could finish his trademark opening, former softball player Mary Pratt came out of nowhere and wrestled the microphone away.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the singing of the National Anthem, I present to you an old Hollywood friend of mine and a National Anthem legend. I first met this man while he was making the movie “The Naked Gun,” and nobody sings the anthem better than him,” said Pratt, while Green formed a noticeable scowl on her face.

“He’s sung for the Queen of England. He’s sung for Reggie Jackson. He’s even sung for O.J. Simpson,” Pratt added. “Straight from Anaheim, Calif., I present Enrico Pallazzo!”

Pallazzo entered the gym to thunderous applause and began his rendition of the National Anthem. By the time he was in the second stanza, he was in his third key signature. Not since Greg Brady replaced Green for a men’s basketball game last season had BU fans heard such a disturbing performance of The Star Spangled Banner.

And this was more than Green could handle. As Pallazzo sang “O’er the land of the free,” Green collapsed at the top of the key. Immediate attempts to revive Green were unsuccessful, and Sasquatch was declared winner by default.

Enrico Pallazzo was “my secret weapon,” Sasquatch said. “He gave a stirring, emotional and tear-jerking rendition of The Star Spangled Banner, which surely had Barbara Green wishing she could crawl up into a corner and cry with the empty feelings that only Pallazzo could conjure up. It looks like the song gave Green seizures and respiratory problems.”

Before leaving the gym, Sasquatch promised fans he would sing a song of his own next week.

No. 8 Rodney Pratt vs. No. 16 Mary Pratt: Again, it doesn’t matter how many points one scores, it’s how you play the game. What was billed as an offensive battle of “Pratt Attacks” turned into a very low scoring affair. In fact, it came down to mental stamina and Pratt advanced to the Final Four. But which one?

At the start of the 20-minute game, Rodney Pratt got off to a quick advantage as he controlled the opening tip. Rodney, an intelligent man with a degree in biochemistry, realized that without a shot clock, he could stall. With a decent height advantage, Rodney held the ball above his head at the top of the key, out of Mary Pratt’s reach and began a rant not even Dennis Miller could match. He started by discussing basketball strategy with Mary, and Mary urged Rodney to get on the with the game. Rodney’s discussion then shifted to strict military schools, the relevance of the number seven and disadvantaged dogs while Mary frantically tried to swipe at the ball, just a couple of inches out of her reach. This lasted for 19 minutes, and Mary began to tire. In the game’s final minute, Rodney began to discuss how the Donner party ate each other during their journey westward, and after more than 19 minutes of jumping up and down, Mary fell to the floor in exhaustion, enabling Rodney to score a game-winning lay-up at the buzzer — the game’s only basket.

No. 15 Kirk Miller vs. No. 7 Joe Wright: Fan support made all of the difference, as Kirk continued to receive dozens of positive e-mails and BU band leader Wright has yet to receive a letter of support. Kirk Miller advanced in a landslide decision. E-mails do make a difference.

No. 6 Section 8 vs. No. 3 Alan Weinberger: After an easy win in the Sweet 16 the week before, Section 8 nominated Matt Fiore to take on Weinberger in this Elite Eight game. In the end, Weinberger, nicknamed “The Intimidator,” was no match for Fiore, nicknamed “The Imbiber.” With the partisan Section 8 crowd strongly on his side, Fiore cruised to victory, bringing the entire section with him to the Final Four.

“Weinberger’s attempts to quell our enthusiasm have only ended in the misguided execution of his [favorite] job … throwing us out of the hockey games,” said one loyal Section 8’er. “You cannot throw out a whole section! Even after the selected few have been placed in the penalty box, Section 8 remains strong, scoring on his power play by continuing to maintain the high standards of conduct we have developed.”

After the match, Weinberger promised we had yet to see the last of him.

So that leaves us with a Final Four crowd of No. 8 Rodney Pratt vs. No. 12 Sasquatch and No. 15 Kirk Miller vs. No. 6 WBA Section 8. Should any of the Final Four match-ups intrigue you enough to state your opinion, you can do so by e-mailing at BURivals@hotmail.com. As you’ve seen, your input will affect the outcome of the games. Fans, as well as competitors, are encouraged to offer endorsements and suggestions.

On to the Final Four!