A Walk Down The Red Carpet

Now that 2001 has been officially logged into the record books, the people of America can look back and reminisce about all the noteworthy events. The dawn of this new year presents a great opportunity to do what humans do best: bitch. As many know, there is no better place to look for petty hostility and tension than the thriving entertainment industry. And there is definitely no better time than the upcoming awards season.

The good, the bad and Joan Rivers all come out during this time of year to duke it out in healthy awards competition. At the summit of the Hollywood honors pyramid lies the coveted Academy Awards. All roads for an ambitious filmmaker lead and end there. However, the Oscars are certainly not the only awards show to see on television. The following is a guide to the best and worst of awards show television.

People’s Choice Awards:

Possibly the worst awards show ever put on the planet. The show’s legitimacy comes into question when the host happens to be a leading actor of a comedy series on that very same channel, CBS. Not to mention CBS actually won more than one award. Think about it: one win for CBS could be attributed to a miscount or some sort of human error, but when CBS picks up three or four of them, that’s some “Touched by an Angel” crap.

Tribute to (fill in the blanks) Award Ceremony:

Occasionally TNT or TBS might have one of these awards show where they have thirty different Hollywood stars puckering up to kiss some veteran actor’s rear. They all take turns blabbing at a podium as if they’ve known the star for the last 50 years. The whole thing has to be staged. The idea probably came about when some stupid producers were sitting around at a table playing “Six Degrees of Clint Eastwood.”

The Country Music Awards:

Also known as the “CBS People’s Choice for Music Awards.” If you’re going to bet Vegas odds on this show, stick with the hot crossover country-pop star. If she wins one of them, she might just win them all. Shania Twain’s probably got 40.

AFI Awards:

This first-year awards show had more MIA’s than the last two wars combined. Respectability for the American Film Institute has immediately died. How could the critics of such an association be so out of touch with the social rules of Hollywood appearances? Next year, they should learn to do the right thing: first nominee on the red carpet wins the award. That’s probably how the Oscars started out, anyway.

Blockbuster Awards:

NSYNC, Britney and the Backstreet Boys have millions and millions of fans out there. Pick a combination of two, stuff them with an award or lots of cash and–voila–millions and millions of viewers. Most of the nominees are not there, so they might as well change the nominations and go with Britney Spears winning everything. Come on, give the girl more T’A time. New Blockbuster category: “Best Female Rack at an Awards Show.” Sorry, Mariah.

Billboard Awards:

There’s an element of extreme irony to the Billboards. This show gives awards to the so-called “artists” who have been the most successful in swindling your money. Most people already know which stupid group sold the most records this year. On top of millions of dollars, these “artists” get to go home with some sort of plaque or honor bestowed upon them. The best part is most of these artists don’t even produce their own music. This awards show is a slap-in-the-face reminder there are actually people getting paid millions to sing karaoke.

The Grammys:

I just made a CD with 30 tracks in it. Some of them are folk, some rock, some hip-hop, some alternative, some instrumental, some country, some comedy and even some Christian rock. I’m only up for 100 Grammy nominations over the next two years. But that’s okay, because I won 30 a year ago for my controversial last album titled, “Any Idiot Like Me Can Win a Grammy.”

The Daytime Emmys:

There’s only one thing worse than soap opera stars acting: watching them get honored for acting. The tears in this awards show have to be genuine, because soap stars don’t possess that type of range. Relish your crappy awards, my good, low-life, sub-par celebrities. This is about as far as the train will take you.

The Golden Globes:

The Oscars are notorious for making horrible picks and awarding the most undeserved actors/actresses. Not that the Golden Globes doesn’t do the same; it’s just that inside, I know the Globes are not a respectable awards show. They nominate crappy performances for the comedy categories and award the most popular and predictable choices. This seems to be a recurring process that they have steadily established over the last few years. People say that the Golden Globes are supposed to be a factor in the Oscar race, but the records indicate otherwise. I don’t think Sandra Bullock was ever nominated for a Blockbuster award, but apparently she’s good enough for a Golden Globe nomination. In spite of it all, the Globes are a fun and glamorous affair.

The MTV Movie/Music Video Awards:

Possibly the funniest three hours of live television. The skits are always great and nudity always seems to be guaranteed. This might as well just be a three-hour variety show of some sort. This is only thing worth seeing on MTV nowadays.

The Nighttime Emmys:

“The Oscars of television.” A bit boring, but always pretty fair with nominations and choices. This show is traditional and pretty tame. It’s the bourgeois country club black-tie event of the year. Yeah, it sucks.

The Academy Awards:

The Oscars! The most sought-after prize in entertainment history. Despite the lousy picks, the Oscars have become the Super Bowl of awards shows. The words “fair game” are a joke to the Academy. They’d nominate “Dude, Where’s My Car?” if Harvey Weinstein asked them to. The Oscars can also be found under the listing, “The Judi Dench Post Nomination Party.”