Researchers at Ohio State University have discovered that students at that school have more difficulty answering simple questions than third- and fifth-graders, according to a study published in Journal of Psycholinguistic Research.
We here at the ol’ Free Press are baffled.
We decided to find out if the same theory holds true at Boston University. Our intrepid reporters tracked down Guilderland, NY, third-grader Lindsay Burton, whose brother is a freshman at BU.
Daily Free Press: So, Lindsay, how’s third grade?
Lindsay Burton: It’s OK. We learned division today. Teacher says division is omnipresent in American society and the ills of the populous will not be solved until the United States is transformed into a viable socialist state. I am inclined to agree.
DFP: Uh … all right. Do you like to color?
LB: No. I shun any activity where children are forced to adhere to a rubric that arbitrarily judges the value of a human being.
DFP: Can we borrow your dictionary? Anyway, we go to school with your brother, Cliff. Is he smart?
LB: We visited his off-campus apartment last week. He answered the door reeking of vomit and wearing his underwear backwards. He had gummy bears stuck in his hair, too.
DFP: We like gummy bears on our ice cream. How about you?
LB: Only if it’s made from soy cream. And it has to be in an unbleached paperboard container to reduce the amount of dioxins in the ice cream.
DFP: “Vanilla” would have sufficed. So, more about your brother. What classes is he taking? Is he doing well?
LB: He’s taking three classes, all between 12-2 p.m. He says he did that so he can have more time to read his assignments. Judging by his coffee table, his professors are forcing him to read pornography. Poor kid.
DFP: Yeah, we’ll have to stop by his place later.
LB: Is this actually going to be published in the paper?
DFP: Yeah.
LB: And somebody gave you an award?
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