Ahnold Busts Terrorists In ‘Damage’

Originally set for release in September, “Collateral Damage” was delayed from its opening date due to the unexpected attacks of September 11. All of this is quite understandable, because the movie lies on a simple and sensitive premise: Arnold vs. the Terrorists. It certainly sounded like the movie studios wanted Arnold back to the basics after wasted years of misplacing him as a sci-fi action hero (e.g. “End of Days,” “The Sixth Day”). But, sadly, any hope of Arnold returning to his bullet-strapping, punchline-throwing giddy-up is now gone — at least for this movie.

“Collateral Damage’s” main mistake is its ambiguity regarding Arnold’s character, Gordy Brewer. Gordy is a Los Angeles fireman on a personal mission to destroy the Colombian terrorist who killed his wife and kid. At the very moment when Arnold is off backpacking to Colombia, the anticipation to see “Commando”-style gun-pumping action escalates. As the movie progresses, there is a feeling of lost hope, as we wait for Arnold to engage in a killing spree of massive proportions and it never happens. It appears that the writers of this movie wanted Gordy Brewer to be a realistic fireman who doen’t use guns. It makes my head itch just knowing that Arnold’s character is incapable of mass destruction, but he is able to get into Colombia without a scratch.

The movie by itself is not really bad, but when graded on the Arnold scale, it is unimpressive. I can’t say it’s not fun, though. Watching Arnold is always enjoyable in some odd way. The experience is similar to that of going to a comedy club. Each sequence begins with the non sequitor setup story, followed by the juicy content and finished off with a punchline. “Collateral Damage” had the setup, lacked the content and didn’t have enough of a punchline. Overall, it was a negative experience. But. while coping with disappointment, another element of Arnold’s amazing range surprisingly comes shining through: his comedic genius. (Can you sense the sarcasm?)

Not that Arnold is a comedian in any way; it’s just incredibly funny to see Arnold attempt emotions that are not in his range. Arnold looks more uncomfortable than Pamela Anderson in clothing when he plays a fatherly figure. The best comedic scene, however, has to be Arnold’s pathetic attempts to grieve for his wife and child. Every single second of that five-minute period is pure beauty. Even in his sadness Arnold’s face still seems to read, “I’m pissed” or “Come on, let’s go.” Golden, just golden.

This movie is not a mind-blowing experience. It will not satisfy you, but if you have to watch a stupid movie (and you know you normally do), watch this one. On the Arnold scale, this movie is a lowly D+. It is nothing but a fun testosterone tease. It’s also full of crap, but it’s something you can complain and laugh about. And complaining and laughing is exactly what people do best. C- (D+ if you’re an

Ahnoldphile)