A crime wave has struck campus.
We here at the ol’ Free Press are horrified. We couldn’t believe our ears when we heard the news that people are stealing from the dining hall. It’s bad enough you naughty students are having trysts with anyone and everyone you can drag through the doors of your dorm, but stealing from the dining hall? Shameless.
The primary target: food. Pastries, pierogies, plates of pasta — anything you Louie Anderson wannabes can get your greasy mitts on, you grab. You’re stamping your own one-way ticket to fat camp, you know.
We try to go to the dining hall every day and get our tasty groove on. But you kleptomaniacs ruin it. Mee Chow refused to give us sandwiches one evening after a few hooligans threatened her with a shish-kebab and forced her to make them each three sandwiches — 12 sandwiches in all. This is a blatant violation of the rules. One sandwich only! Don’t you understand?!
And that’s not all. These cromulent bastards, in their rampage through the kitchen, broke every samoflange off every oven in the place. And you call yourselves human.
There’s only one method of recourse: chinchillas. You want to steal food? Go ahead. The chinchillas will even give you a little something extra in your mashed potatoes when you get up for seconds. Chives? Pepper? Who knows? Eat it and find out.
Oh yes, thieves. You should be scared. We’ve got an army of furry friends training in the basement of Danielsen Hall as we speak. You don’t stand a chance. Bow down now to the Rodent Legions or prepare to face your doom! By the way, Soylent Green night is next Wednesday, so show up early if you want extra helpings.
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