‘MPERSAND

The widely venerated Princeton Review has released its annual college rankings, chock full of snide remarks and corny word play. Now, after extensive surveys and our own college expertise, we here at the ol’ Free Press will now release our own long-awaited rankings. Here’s how Boston University fared:

#1, “Most expensive high school extension” (CGS):

Let’s face it. $72,000 for the same courses you took back in Sunnyvale High is a bit extreme. And you don’t even get a yearbook or prom before graduation.

#3, “Most furry four-footed friends”:

The rats barely outnumber even the largest freshman class in BU history, though they had similar SAT scores. Just edged out by New Haven and Gary, IN, Boston scored highly in this category but not highly enough.

#1, “Long Islanders outside Long Island”:

From deep O’s to hard G’s, attending Boston University can sound at times like an extra-vapid episode of Coffee Talk. Ooh moay Gawd!

#5, “Intramural flag football”:

With the NFL sponsoring BU’s Intramural football program, BU immediately gains an air of prestige over rival school Boston College.

#345, “NCAA football”:

Despite having not lost a single game in five years, BU curiously remains at the bottom of the polls.

#17, “Students ignore ‘T’ cars on a regular basis”:

“T” cars are a vital part of student life and all of life in Boston. Yet, BU students recklessly follow the sinful path across the tracks, only to be smote by the “B” line of righteousness.

#136, “Non-flammable mattresses”:

They’re good, but they could be better.

#293, “Late-night trysting”, #2, “Students play with themselves regularly”:

John Silber was right. The Guest Policy has worked and trysting has been decimated, as students eagerly pursue the recommended mode of sexual pleasure. But we just can’t beat Bob Jones University.