Exactly what you would expect aboard this ‘Ship’

If you don’t know what to expect from the title “Ghost Ship” or the astonishingly inspired tagline of “Sea Evil,” then, well, you probably have no interest in seeing this movie. So, as you probably already know, it’s just like every other haunted house movie you’ve ever seen, only it takes place aboard a deserted ocean liner and, somehow, has a cast of reputable (and ostensibly desperate) actors. Gabriel Byrne, Julianna Margulies and Ron Eldard? Let’s just get the “dead career” jokes out of the way now.

So, it seems the Italian luxury cruise ship, the Antonia Graza, disappeared mysteriously 40 years ago. A pilot (Desmond Harrington) spots the ship in the Bering Strait and takes some pictures of it, which he shows to a salvage crew led by Murphy (Byrne). Why no one has seen it all these years is uncertain, but Murphy and his crew jump at the chance to haul in the ship and the finder’s fee that goes with it. Of course, when they get there, it doesn’t take long before they realize something’s not right with the ship, and in due course, each crewmember meets some gruesome demise.

Nothing new here. A few things almost (pardon the pun) salvage the movie.

It has the kind of stupid sense of humor you need in a movie like this; more importantly, it inspires its share of unintentional laughter. Byrne’sperformance, for instance, is a riot to watch. He spends most scenes with a constipated facial expression that seems to say, “I really want to get off this set and find out if my paycheck has cleared yet.” When he reaches for a bottle of booze halfway through the movie, it’s hard to imagine the moment as acting.

The first five minutes or so are particularly inspired. The movie opens with an underwater shot and a burst of bubbles that, in a perfect world, would have led into a Busby Berkeley-style musical number (which almost seems to happen again near the end.) And the opening credits could only be made better had they introduced each cast member in a life preserver, a la “The Love Boat.” To have seen Gabriel Byrne winking and pointing at the audience, with the words “as Your Captain” below him, would have placed “Ghost Ship” into its own echelon of comedy. But this is supposed to be a horror movie, so instead, we get one of the best scenes of pure, unabashed gore in recent memory — it’s so good, in fact, that it’s replayed later in the movie.

Unfortunately, it’s all downhill from there. The plot has the requisite twists and turns that build up to the token nonsensical “surprise” ending. Aside from the unique location, and the inexplicable use of a largely nu-metal soundtrack (that must be what all those “Fangoria”-reading high school kids dig these days), there’s nothing stopping “Ghost Ship” from being any other haunted house flick. But it’s the right time of year for this sort of thing, so if you’re capable of switching off your brain for an hour and a half and enjoying a flagrant display of cinematic mediocrity, then “Ghost Ship” might be worth watching.