Yes, I have a suggestion for The Daily Free Press. Eliminate the “world issues” (or whatever it’s called) section of your newspaper. These slanted articles are simply ripped off of nationwide news syndicates like Reuters that are the brainwashed lovechild of the government, labor, and corporate elite, and anyway can be read in another fine free newspaper, The Metro. “But wait”, I hear you editors of the DFP whining back. “We need the world issues section. We can only bullshit so much in the anonymous opinions section about how you have to carve out your own path or whatever, and this newspaper’s gotta be 15 freakin pages long!” Well, my friends, I have a solution for you. From now on, include in your paper a schedule of some of the events going on campus for the week. There’s a lot of them, I’m sure, but it might be nice to know I’m going to be too lazy to go to a famous speaker on the zoological conditions of the flying squirrel than to read about it the next day in the paper and wish I was there. If you put in a schedule, I can only blame myself for not going. Oh I’m sure The Bridge has some sort of schedule listing in it, but let’s face it, who can look at the cover of that thing without being bored to tears? To make your job easier, clubs and event sponsors could submit their event schedules to you to print. The newspaper schedule could include everything from the next meeting of the “pyros for pornos” club or when the “slutty arts group” are having their raunchy barbecue. It could also include actual legitimate events, like the Pope coming to give a lecture, or whatever. But the important thing is that most students are uninformed of such happenings, and, let’s be honest here, too lazy to look these things up. Yeah we’re lazy, but guess what? It’s the paper’s job to appeal to us, and do this kind of busywork for us. I’ve spent many a lonely night wishing I knew where and when the cribbage club met. P.S.: Andy Smith, shut the hell up. And don’t use the word gyp. It offends us gypsies. -Patrick May, CGS ’05
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