Crabby Young Man: Onward, Christian filmgoers

I had no idea that my love for movies was endangering my immortal soul until I visited www.capalert.com. This website for the ChildCare Action Project houses more than 700 film reviews. The site’s reviewers take a strict fundamentalist route and helpfully break down, sin by sin, every sacrilegious element in every film they see. I never thought a critic could discuss a movie without addressing filmmaking technique, theme or character issues, but the critics for the ChildCare Action Project have done it. Here is a stable of critics, with no love or understanding of film, who blast movies containing homosexuality, foul language, references to evolution and ‘offense to God.’

Now, I’m not opposed to a web site providing information to parents about what films constitute appropriate viewing for children. On the contrary, that’s a wonderful service. But the criteria that Capalert uses in its reviews are so ludicrously closed-minded that its reviewers lose all hope of credibility. We’re running into a sadly understated aspect of fundamentalist Christianity.

The Bible has silly parts. Anyone who disagrees has not read the Bible lately. I point to Leviticus: ‘If a member of the community sins unintentionally … he is guilty. He must bring as his offering for the sin he committed a female goat without defect. He is to lay his hand on the head of the sin offering and slaughter it…’ ‘That’s ridiculous,’ say fundamentalists. ‘That’s not the part of the Bible I like. That’s one of the goofy parts that everyone skips, like the Japanese section of your VCR manual or the whale science chapter in Moby Dick.’ Nevertheless, the Bible endorses goat slaughtering. Theoretically, I should see Christians knifing goats when I walk up Commonwealth Avenue. I do not credit the lack of goat slaughterings to a shortage of sinners. Since Christians choose what parts of the Bible to follow, there’s no excuse for picking the parts that encourage intolerance.

In addition, the homophobia of many Bible bangers contradicts Jesus’ most important rule for dealing with people: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Pat Robertson and I may have different editions of the Bible, but in my version, Jesus does not amend his statement to read: ‘Love your heterosexual neighbor.’ Nor does Jesus say ‘your Christian neighbor.’

The nutcases at Capalert give thoughtful, free-thinking Christians a bad name. Nevertheless, I decided to give some Christian movies a shot. I went to Blockbuster and easily located Left Behind: The Movie and The Omega Code, the only well-reviewed Capalert movies I could find that seemed targeted at adults. I get blank stares at Blockbuster when I try to find Oscar-winning Paddy Cheyefsky films, but when I’m looking for crappy Jesus movies, they’re happy to accommodate me.

Anyway. My girlfriend and I, well supplied with beer, settled in for an evening of Christian movies. We began with Left Behind: The Movie, starring 80s acting luminary Kirk Cameron. It deals with the end of the world and the rise of the Antichrist. After 15 minutes, my girlfriend was so enthralled by this story that she went to the other room to do computer science homework. But I kept watching. The beer helped. When Left Behind had reached its open-ended (and sequel-inviting) conclusion, I moved onto The Omega Code, which, not surprisingly, deals with the end of the world and the rise of the Antichrist.

Very early in both films, one thing became utterly clear to me: I could drink five martinis and then write a better script on my cocktail napkin. Christian propaganda movies seem to exist in their own bizarre world, a world in which family is paramount and TV newscasters are reliable sources of exposition.

First of all, everyone in this world seems to know (or be related to) at least a senator. Scientists are always developing amazing formulas that can grow crops anywhere and feed the entire planet. In times of crisis, all the world’s governments tend to come together and form one really big government. Somehow, the Antichrist always manages to get control of the really big government. And for those starring in Christian movies who get into really tight spots, all they have to do is pray for help.

Left Behind and The Omega Code aren’t offensive. They’re just silly, amateurish movies with a clunky but innocuous Christian message. The biggest problem with both films is their didactic approach to their subject matter. Room for interpretation is an essential quality of good art. These films lack any uncertainty. The characters just coast along until they convert to Christianity (or face Godly destruction, if they are the Antichrist). Satisfying, thoughtful films about faith exist, but those films don’t hammer the viewer with a message.

Hoping that The Omega Code will convert viewers to Christianity is like hoping that Tomb Raider will make people become archeologists. By treating these films as legitimate cinematic exploits, Christian reviewers like those at Capalert only look ridiculous. Capalert’s Omega Code review reads, ‘Finally a movie with NO sex and NO profane language! NONE!’ Apparently, acceptable films should aspire to avoid any trace of realistic human behavior. And good Christians should take what they’re given and avoid too much thinking.