On Wednesday, students had the opportunity to address their acting president, Chancellor John Silber, about anything they wished. Students wisely refrained from asking him what the square root of 723 is or how many angels can dance on a pin’s head, but a few more important questions were left unasked. We here at the ol’ Daily Texan, er, Free Press decided to ask these questions, and since Silber was unavailable, answer them for him.
Student: What purpose does the College of General Studies serve besides letting your relatives in?
Silber: CGS allows students who show potential to demonstrate their ability before entering other colleges. While it also looks better than a youth hostel when one of my kids screws up, it gives him a chance to make something of himself before shipping him off to military school.
Student: Why is Boston College ranked above us, considering they are neither in Boston nor a college?
Silber: Those rankings are very, very inaccurate. They fail to take into account the illcit trysting ratio, in which we handily stomp BC into the rancid Newton dirt.
Student: Why did only 22 students show up for the presidential forum?
Silber: Maybe because they thought they had to fill out blue forms to stay in the Photonics Center past 6.
Student: How is the administration working on minority retention?
Silber: Well, if you consider that less than 1 percent of the country is from Long Island, we have an extensive minority population already.
Student: What do you think about profane hockey fans, which is purportedly one of your speech topics?
Silber: There is no [bleeping] problem with the [bleeping] hockey fans. They can [bleeping] say whatever the [bleep] they want.
Student: Why is Mr. Butch not tenured?
Silber: His classes are too small and therefore a waste of time. Plus, his rank odor makes me have to visit the CAS bathrooms.
Student: What can students do to avoid rape?
Silber: Wear chastity belts. It’s up to victims to make sure they’re not in the position to be raped. If they even take the ‘T,’ they should be prepared to have every basic right violated. I advocate not moving from a basic sitting posture inside a dorm room. Only then can students truly be safe.
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