Welcome to the U.S. House of Representatives cafeteria. As you’re probably aware, we have recently changed our menu to substitute French fries and French toast with ‘freedom fries’ and ‘freedom toast,’ as President George W. Bush continues to make foreign policy blunders and make enemies with the rest of the world.
Breakfast:
Fancy Waffles
Formerly Belgian waffles, but now without the horrid name of those pompous Belgians. The boycott will be based on their current hosting of the United Nations Security Council meetings. Also, borrowing from the design of Boston University’s waffles, fancy waffles will say ‘USA’ across the center.
Capitalist Pancakes
Formerly Swedish pancakes, this tasty lingenberry-covered delight has been given new life outside Sweden’s socialist borders. The grudge against Swedes will start when Bush claims that the immense number of cell phones could be bundled together to form a radioactive dirty bomb.
Appetizers:
Chinese Chicken Salad with Greek Dressing
Entrées:
Roasted Courage Bird
After Turkey’s government voted against supporting U.S. military action in Iraq, the gizzarded bird on everyone’s Thanksgiving plate will instead be called a ‘courage bird.’ The only American who will really mind is football announcer John Madden, who will begrudgingly rename his famous Thanksgiving creation ‘The Courducken.’
General Schwarzkopf’s Chicken
This spicy treat of Asian cuisine used to be named after China’s ruthless Gen. Gao, but we have renamed it after our Gulf War strategist, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. We could have named it after Gen. Tommy Franks, who leads the most recent military action, but Tommy’s last name sounds a bit too French for our tastes. Then ‘General Franks’ chicken’ would have to be called ‘General Freedom’s chicken,’ and double-censoring is too complicated for our menu.
Sides:
Baseball Bacon
Formerly named Canadian bacon, the name was changed after Montreal fans booed ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ at a hockey game between their Canadiens and the New York Islanders. During the national anthem for tonight’s game in Buffalo between the Canadiens and the Sabres, you can expect thousands of fans to throw the newly-named food on the ice and scream, ‘Who do you think you’re kidding? We knew all along it was just ham!’
Condoleezza Rice
Spanish rice is boring and dull, and the Spaniards who eat it are too opposed to the war in Iraq. It’s time for a new name for this exciting red food, and that name is Condi.
Rumsfeld Nuts
Formerly called Brazil nuts, these treats have been specially altered by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld so they explode in the mouths of any suspected terrorists or Afghan civilian. Besides, what other cabinet member’s name goes better with ‘nuts’ than Rumsfeld’s?
Deserts:
Swedish Fish
Russian vodka has been renamed ‘Powell-ade,’ in honor of the secretary of state who, after 12 years, was finally patriotic enough to invade Iraq.
If England turns on us, there will be absolutely no retaliation, as no one in their right mind eats English food anyway.
And of course, if Iraq predictably continues to defy us, we’ll call their major export by a new name; oil will become ‘war fuel.’
The War Index: (47 Allied Soldiers Dead + 350 Iraqi Civilians Dead) X 8 Days = 3,176 Death-Days.
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