God Hates a Whiner: Circles in the grass make for disappointing class

I knew college was going to be special when my hip graduate student English professor told us to move all of our seats in a semi-circle. When she gave that order I said, ‘Seth, you have arrived.’ The semi-circle was symbolic of the end of high school. It was like the Berlin Wall falling to end the Cold War. No more passing papers with a backward motion only a side-to-side motion. No more sitting in the back of the classroom to sleep, talk or pass stones, I mean notes. NO! The semi-circle meant free discussion. It meant no classmate was more important than another. The semi-circle represented something similar to the Knights of the Round Table.

But as the year continued, the semi-circle lost its luster. There were times when we would walk into class and the room would be set up in rows. We would sit down in the seats as they were because it became a pain to set up the semi-circle. The semi-circle slowly transformed into the swing-set every father has to make for his children it’s cool for a week, but after that no one really cares. When the professor would enter seeing us sitting in the rows, she would look appalled. It was a face that said, ‘What crazy professor who has this room before me does not know the utter joys of the semi-circle?’ The expression also said ‘Get your asses out of these rows and set up the damn semi-circle. We need to make this class as much like ‘Dead Poets Society’ as possible!’

When she would tell us to change the configuration of the room, we would all sigh; and to show her that we hated building the semi-circle, we would drag the desks slowly on the floor so they would make that loud screeching sound.

The semi-circle didn’t even help stimulate class discussion. Believe me, people are just as stupid in a circle as when they are in rows. Maybe the answer is sitting in a trapezoid because with the trapezoid there is the option of forming two right triangles, thus the Pythagorean Theorem can be used. See, I’m getting smarter already. In the instance of a semi-circle, however, when the professor would ask a question, we would just sit there with our blank faces totally exposed. There was nowhere to hide, no head to duck behind and no point to slouching. The semi-circle was like an all-nude beach that revealed our embarrassingly small … intellects.

Just as I thought the semi-circle was a revolutionary idea in academics, I also thought having class outside was potentially the most invigorating concept since the cotton gin. Class outside! This is what I have seen in movies: students sitting outside talking about philosophy, their feelings, love and all that crap. When professors mention class outside, the students’ expressions change as if they have just been offered candy. Not candy that tastes like cough syrup, but good candy.

We believe, as a collective whole, that when a professor is taken out of his usual classroom element and moved to the natural outdoors, he will shed his academic robes for more conventional hippie-like clothing. His dress pants will change to bell-bottom pants. His shirt will lose a couple of buttons, revealing his chest hair. His tie will turn into a necklace with a peace sign on it. And his lectern will change into a guitar with which he will play Bob Dylan’s ‘Hurricane.’ When he finishes singing the song, instead of clapping, we will begin to snap.

None of this is true, however, except for the exposure of the chest hair. When a professor holds class outside, nobody can hear him anyway. And besides, the first thing he tells the students to do is to sit in a circle; so, from previous experience, we realize this is destined for failure. Also, professors tend to forget about Mother Nature in their outside planning. There is no better feeling than discussing sociology while the wind blows dust into your eyes and the damp grass is slowly soiling your pants.

To avoid the semi-circle and having class outside, you could just not go to class. But I have a real mental problem with skipping class. Several mornings, I have woken up and said, ‘No, Seth. You are not going to class today. You are going to sleep and enjoy yourself.’ But I never follow through. I get paranoid. What if I miss a pop quiz? What if the professor says, ‘Today is the day that everyone in the class gets one extra credit point for being in attendance?’ If I don’t go to class, then I won’t get the point and Johnny Blue Jeans who just decides to show up for one class will be the recipient of my bonus point. That’s my bonus point, Johnny Blue Jeans! All mine!

Also, I want to be around if something cool happens. What if the professor decides to hold class outside or something?