I was under a lot of pressure to save my best column for last. If you don’t believe me, here is a word-for-word quote from my editor: ‘Seth, if your last column isn’t your best we are going to bite your face off.’
After I began laughing at what I thought was a joke, my editor said, ‘No, seriously, I will bite your face clean off.’ I don’t even know how that is possible, but because I am rebellious I have made the conscious decision to make my last column mediocre … but special. So, instead of busting out what was sure to be a hit, I wanted to treat you all to something rare: The God Hates a Whiner B-sides. The following are excerpts from mediocre columns that never quite made it to the printed page … until now!
* I would now like to address gun control. Gun Control, 1417 Rodeo Drive, Los Angeles, CA. It has been addressed. Thank you, have a good night.
* Jake: Hey Seth, what time is it?
Seth’s Inner Monologue: That was unexpected. I’m getting nervous. There is a lot of pressure here. What if I mess up? Jake will think I am stupid. Do I like reality television?
Seth: Um … Hey, Jake … the time … is …
Seth’s Inner Monologue: I am stalling. I need to figure out both the time and the fancy time catchphrase I will use to make me sound like I can tell time quickly.
Jake: Seth?
Seth’s Inner Monologue: Uh oh, he is catching on to me. He knows I think on-the-spot time telling is difficult. I have to make up a time and quick.
Seth: Um … it’s 10 to half past.
Jake: 10 to half past what?
Seth’s Inner Monologue: I must sprint away, for Jake knows my embarrassing secret. I do like reality television. How? It’s so stupid … Run away!
* It has just occurred to me that I have never punched anyone in the face.
* I have always wanted to use the following words:
1) Honky-tonk, as in: ‘Ma and Pa took me to the honky-tonk and I had me some pie.’
2) Persnickety, as in, ‘When it comes to making his bed, Bob is quite persnickety.’
3) Steamfitter, as in, ‘When I went to my guidance counselor in high school and told him I wanted to repair pipes for heating and refrigerating purposes, he said that I may want to look into becoming a steamfitter.’
* Here are some more words that, though I want to use them, did not get their own sentence because they don’t think I am very funny: teenybopper, prostate (possibly enlarged?), guacamole and centrifugal.
* It has also just occurred to me that I have never given (or received) a hairy eyeball.
* Confessions: I have been using my roommate’s shampoo without his permission for a good three weeks now. I had planned to buy shampoo for a very long time, but certain extremely important things came up that made me unable to purchase shampoo. You would think my roommate would catch on, for there are only so many weeks you can get a small amount of shampoo out of an empty shampoo bottle. I would also like to confess to using his toothpaste without his permission for a good two months. I never threw my empty bottle of toothpaste away as to make him believe I was never out of toothpaste, when in reality, as you all know now, I was. Since I am being honest, I would also like to confess that I have paraded around in my roommate’s pants while dancing to Aerosmith’s ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady.’ I have never felt so liberated.
* Can you comprehend what it would be like to actually be ‘full of crap?’ I mean, is it possible to have so much crap inside of you that you are filled to the brim? That’s a lot of crap. Also, what does one look like when one is full of crap? I bet one is pretty gross. One would not want to be full of crap because one would not have very many friends. That would be an awful thing for one to have to go through. I believe one has made this joke before, thus making one quite unoriginal. (It’s the B-sides!)
* Water = boring. Water with lemon = glorious.
* For some odd reason, the turtleneck sweater has gay overtones. Well, I need to come out and just say it: I like turtleneck sweaters. No, I love them. Mock turtlenecks, regular turtlenecks it doesn’t make any difference to me. I am truly, madly, deeply in love with the turtleneck sweater. Wow, it feels really good to finally get that off my chest. Now I just have to tell mom and dad.
* Have you ever wondered how the French kiss was created? I mean, what guy was kissing someone the old fashioned way and then said, ‘I’m sorry. I need more.’ In addition, why did he believe that the ‘more’ he needed was the physical placing of his tongue inside the mouth of his partner? I’m not against the French kiss, but I think its origins are worth a deeper inquiry. No, you’re right. I’m against it. It’s just so much pressure!
I’d like to end on a personal note. I have enjoyed watching all of you laugh at my column … while you change your clothes.
Seth Reiss, a junior in the College of Communication, has been a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.
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