Ampersand

It’s that time of year again, when politicians and community leaders offer their takes on the state of various organizations and their plans for the future. And after inspired performances from President George W. Bush and the Student Union on their State of the Union addresses, we here at the ol’ Free Press decided to share our thoughts for the State of Boston University:

Your security has been our top priority over the last year, and it will continue to top our agenda for 2004. But Boston’s streets are still not safe. We plan to increase black light screening and periodic underwear checks in West Campus dorm rooms to jerk out the BU masturbator’s weapon of mass dysfunction.

Hockey team losses have been especially troubling over these past months, and our administration plans to do something about it. We’ve come up with a program to help distribute steroids to these muscle-deprived athletes, budgeting out $8 million to purchase steroids – $1 million for each loss. [Standing ovation from West Campus]

Boston University has stagnated in the national polls of late, and this university needs a new plan for increasing academic standards. So in order to move up the national rankings, we plan to introduce our All Children Left Behind Act, a $50 million initiative to bring Burnt Sienna crayons and left-handed safety scissors back to College of General Studies classrooms. [Pan to sleeping child]

The sagging economy has also been a major concern for our administration. The university’s endowment has been especially hard hit, and it will take a steady hand to grease it up for high performance. We plan to set aside $50 million to pay for pills and pumps to make the university better endowed. [Beating of palms from around the room]

And in another push to correct our recent poor fiscal management, we have decided to turn the books over to our Student Union. Forged checks and free parking passes will allow us to cut the deficit in half within the next five years. [Standing ovation on left side of the room]

And finally, your tax dollars should not be our money. We plan to push for an across the board $1.8 million tax break for those who do not work a single day at Boston University.

And when we’re done with all of that, we’re gonna go to the GSU! And Marsh Chapel! And South Campus! And Warren Towers! And CAS! And then we’re gonna go to 1 Sherborn St. and take back the ninth floor! Yehahahahahahaha!